Mom's Reaction to a Moving Commercial

So one of my friends posted this ad from the Sochi Olympics to facebook today:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ult4t-1NoQ

And while watching it, I remembered Mom's reaction to it when it ran on tv, and, gentle readers, I was inspired to share it with you:

Mom:  "Huh.  That is a very sad commercial.  It makes me want to cry."

Me:  "It's very moving, but why does it make you sad?"

Mom:  "All those moms."

Me:  "Yes? All those moms what?"

Mom:  "All those moms have kids who learned to stop falling down.  I will never be one of those moms.  This is very sad."

Me:  "Now, Mom..."

Mom:  "Did you see?  Those kids learned to ski and skate and jump and win Olympic medals without falling down.  What have you learned to do without falling down?"

Me:  "Well..."

Mom:  "Nothing!  You have learned to do nothing without falling down!  You slip in the driveway when you get the paper!  You fall out of your desk chair because you lean too far!  You fell out of the car the other day!"

Me:  "That was the squirrel's fault."

Mom:  "I do not want to hear about that squirrel anymore!  I want to hear about all the times I picked you up and patched you up and told you to be careful!  But you never learned not to fall.  Never, never, never."

Me:  "I'm sorry."

Mom:  "All those moms..."

Brief Conversation with Mom: I Am Accused

Mom:  "You did this on purpose!  You're trying to kill me."

Me:  "Mom, I tried not to give you this cold."

Mom:  "You did, you did!  You want to kill me so that you can use my room for pottery."

Me:  "Mom!  That is not true!"

Mom:  "Yes!  You want to kill me dead and fill my room with pots!"

Me:  "Mother!  Don't be ridiculous.  It makes me feel really bad when you talk like that.  Please stop it."

Mom:  "I'm sorry."

Me:  "I would fill your room with books."

Guest Post: My Sister Exposes Me

Greetings, precious readers.  Well, today is a first for the blog--my sister, Gretchen, is going to be the guest author (though she doesn't really know it).  People are chortling all over facebook because she screencapped some errant texts I have sent her and posted them.  I think she is trying to discourage my bad texting habits through public humiliation.

Which only means that she does not know me that well.

Anyway, courtesy of my sis, here are some Bad Texts from Gnat:

A Brief Conversation with a Friendly Neighbor

A Friendly Neighbor:  "Hey, how do you feel about mead?"

Me:  "I'm against it."

Same Friendly Neighbor:  "But...you're a middle ages person, right?"

Me:  "That's why you should accept my authority on this matter.  Alliterative verse, yes; mead, no."

Yet the Same Friendly Neighbor:  "Well, we can't gather around getting drunk on alliterative verse!"

Me:  "Perhaps not.  But you can gather around and watch me get drunk on alliterative verse."

Still Trying to Be Friendly Neighbor:  "I think I'll just get beer."

Me:  "Beer goes very well with alliterative verse!"

Neighbor Who Has Now Given Up:  "Okay, poetry for you, beer for us.  And you need to trim those shrubs."

Real Conversation with Mom: the Transporter Room

The Coolest Christmas Gift Ever!

Me:  I can't believe that Gretchen actually got me a transporter room shower curtain for Christmas!

Mom:  Me either.  I cry every time I go in there.

Me:  Cry?  Why would you cry?

Mom:  It is ugly.

Me:  Mom, it is a transporter room!  When you get in the shower, you can beam to strange new worlds!  Don't you have any imagination?

Mom:  I like this world.  And I like a fancy bathroom.

Me:  Fancy?!  Mother, don't you realize that a transporter room has a lever that compensates for the Heisenberg uncertainty principle?  There is nothing fancier than a transporter room. 

Mom:  That is bullsh!t.  Besides, now you come in there too much and try to interrupt my pee time.  It's bad enough that the kitties won't let me use the bathroom alone, but now you stand out there jiggling and talking about beaming away.  It is very bad.

Me:  Okay, I will try to stop that.  But you have to admit, we now have a very cool bathroom.

Mom:  I will not admit that. 

Me:  But...

Mom:  And your sister is in serious trouble.

Real Conversations with Mom: Copycat Christmas Decorations

************************UPDATE!************************

Upon reading this post, my friend Mark expressed some outrage that it was not accompanied by photos of his decorations.  Not wishing to outrage that Mark (which would put me in the company of some extremely unsavory people), I splashed through the Christmas mud this morning to bring you these images of his festive abode:

 

The Peanuts characters that so entrance Mom

The Grinch whose gaze she finds rather disturbing

 ***************************************************************

Mom:  "Look at that!  Did you see that!  Wait.  Back up!"

Me:  "Back up?  Mom, I'm trying to drive here."

Mom: "There is no traffic on this street.   You back up right now and look at what's in front of that house."

Me:  "Okay, okay.  What?"

Mom:  "Do you see that?!"

Me:  "They have the Peanuts characters in the yard.  I like Peanuts."

Mom:  "Those are the same decorations that Riley's daddy has!*"

Me:  "Yes, that is true.  He has Peanuts characters and the Grinch."

Mom:  "These people have copycatted him!  That is not right.  He had his decorations first."

Me:  "Well, honestly, I think there is room in this neighborhood for more than one house with Peanuts characters."

Mom:  "No, there is not!  What will the little kids think?"

Me:  "?!"

Mom:  "They will not know which house Charlie Brown lives at.  They will be all confused."

Me:  "Um, Mom..."

Mom:  "I mean, think of the poor children.  We should go to that house and tell them to take down those decorations."

Me:  "We will not be doing that."

Mom: "You know what you are?  You are a boring bummer.  You are afraid to tell people what you think."

Me:  "That is so very untrue that, that...there is no more untruer thing in the universe."

Mom:  "Hah!"

Me:  "Really, no one has ever said that to me before.  Ever."

Mom:  "Hey, do you have Riley's daddy's phone number?"

Me:  "Yes, but I'm not giving it to you.  You are just going to cause trouble."

Mom:  "I do not know where I went wrong with you."

*"Riley's daddy" = my friend, Mark.  Riley is his dog.  Mom does not remember the names of my friends, but she does remember the names of their pets.

Things People Have Said to Me This Week

It is finals week, beloved readers, and that means that we (students, professors, people-who-have-to-be-exposed-to-students-or-professors) are a bit crazed.  And you know me well enough by now, precious ones, to know that I keep you all in mind during such weeks, for, lo! they provide much fodder for the blog. 

Things People Have Said 

(or posted or emailed or texted) to Me This Week

• My doctor, turning to his computer after having removed a sliver of glass from my foot:  "C'mon, y'all, where did you hide the foreign bodies?"
• My dear friend Kim, who is responsible for this blog's existence, upon watching me struggle to fasten my seat belt while simultaneously disentangling my purse from my jacket:  "That happens to Remy all the time!" [Note: Remy is 18 months old]
• My friend Liz, shamelessly pandering: "Humping is always interesting."  "I'm just hoping I get quoted in Natalie's blog as being funnier than grading" "I find Natalie needs a nudge now and then."  "Natalie, note humping comment above."  Noted, Liz.  Repeatedly.
• My mom, who had a pinched nerve, upon being told, by me, that moaning "Oh, God!" was starting to get repetitive:  "You asshole!  You asshole, asshole, asshole!"  
• Campus safety officer, upon seeing me attempt to parallel park:  "Huh.  I thought you were getting better at that."
• My sister, after receiving six successive texts that were supposed to go to my friend Kim:  "U need help, serious help..."
• Deno, my wonderful colleague, to Sally, another wonderful colleague, during a department meeting:  "Smack her, please.  I can't reach that far."
• My colleague Amy, in response to my "Ow, ow, ow!" floating toward her down a hallway:  "Good morning, Gnat.  When I hear 'ow,' I always know it's you."

Now, for the fun part, says I:  let's put all of these comments together and see what it reveals about my week:

C'mon, y'all, where did you hide the foreign bodies?  That happens to Remy all the time! Humping is always interesting.  Natalie, note humping comment above. You asshole!  You asshole, asshole, asshole!  Huh.  I thought you were getting better at that.  U need help, serious help...Smack her, please.  I can't reach that far.  Good morning, Gnat.  When I hear 'ow,' I always know it's you.

All in all, I'd prefer more humping and fewer assholes and slivers of glass next week.  If it's all the same to you.