Saturday, November 29, 2014

This Year's Funniest Responses to My Facebook Posts

So several of you have decided to use the spirit of this holiday weekend to chastise me for not posting more often.  I am, now, deeply ashamed.  However, Mom has decreed that ALL the laundry shall be done before Monday, so I really didn't have the time or energy to be creative today.  It was a serious conundrum, my friends, which vexed me for almost thirty-five unbearable minutes.  Then it finally occurred to me that you all are both energetic and creative, especially when it comes to writing snarky, humorous or confounding responses to my status updates on facebook.  Hence, I collected my ten favorite from 2014, and I present them to you for your amusement:

This Year's Funniest Responses to My Facebook Posts

  1. How many squirrels had to make the ultimate sacrifice for those Christmas towels to be purchased? 
  2.  I've never thought about threatening to burn skin off of faces. The things I learn from my online colleagues.
  3. All I got was a piece of candy cane stuck to my foot.
  4. Hey, Troilus, is that a love letter in your pocket, or...well...sorry.
  5. Perhaps one of the extra stockings belongs to Flamingo?
  6. I hesitate to wonder what a Dalek bathroom would entail.  Eliminate! Eliminate!!
  7. It looks like it would hold plenty of dead squirrels.
  8. Gnat, a raging angel.  Just right. [Note:  this one is funny because it was posted by my provost.  Who understands me all too well.]
  9. Well, we all know that penis-sucking-vaginas are real people-pleasers.  [Note:  not posted by my provost.] 
  10. I have plenty of unused lampshades since I have given up wearing them lately.
Actually, these aren't as funny out of context as I thought they would be.  In fact, this whole post kind of sucks.  But I'm going to hit the little "publish" button anyway, so I can go do more laundry and throw some pots without some guilt-trip bringing me down. Satisfied?  Good.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Black Friday Texts to My Cousin Beth

Greetings and Happy Holidays, Beloved Readers!  It has been too, too long.  As I compose this cheery missive, I am curled up in Mom's broken recliner (the new one is being delivered this afternoon, the fourth in ten years.  Don't ask me.  I  have no idea what she gets up to when I'm at work, but whatever it is, it's rough on those recliners), sipping holiday tea and recovering from an exhilarating* morning Christmas shopping or, as many of my friends will no doubt remind me, contributing to the consumerist destruction of civilized society.

I wore black and red.  You know, because if sales are good, then shops go from being in the red to being in the black?  Get it?  That's okay.  Nobody else did either.

My cousin Beth had planned to engage in this same ritual, but she was feeling sick today and had to stay at home.  I, therefore, decided to amuse and appall her by sending periodic text messages updating her on the progress of my own shopping expedition.  And now, because I love you all so much, I present those texts to you as well.

6:57am:  Off to the stores!  First stop:  the bookstore!

7:15am:  Ah! My hunt was delayed, for I had to turn around and go back to put out the garbage can.  The holiday schedule is my bane.

7:25am:  I have now run over a squirrel, poor victim of crass consumerism.

7:42am:  The ad said that this book store opened at 6am, but they are not opening until 8am.  Great is the wrath of impatient shoppers crowding the sidewalk!  I will leave this place and venture into the most dangerous realm of all:  the Mall.

8:45am:  Have been shopping for over an hour now.  Everything I've bought so far has been for me.  I am going to have a good Christmas, apparently.

9:03am:  Thought about getting a cinnebon,**  but it looks too much like the squirrel I have slain.

9:20am:  People keep waving me into good parking spaces.  Just realized that I have Mom's car and am displaying her handicapped tag.***  The guilt just keeps piling up.

9:59am:  Stray dog just peed on the tire of Mom's car.  Don't tell her.

10:12am:  Dog made me need to pee.  Headed back to bookstore.

10:33am: Successfully peed, thanks for asking.  Put Mom's tag in glove compartment.  Got flipped off by someone in a Lexis.  Feel better about myself.

10:37am:  Starting to get crowded out here.  Everyone must have finally found what they wanted at Best Buy.

10:48am:  Stopped for tea.  My parents couldn't afford to buy me legos when I was a kid, and now that I am an adult, I can't afford to buy the expensive adult lego sets of famous buildings.  Lego might be my arch nemesis.

11:22am:  Almost all shopping done, except for Mom.  Now entering the terror which is the Kohl's parking lot.

11:39am: Kohl's is vicious.  Heard a manager begging customers to stop yelling at him.  Thought about giving him a hug, but didn't want to lose my place in line.

11:57am:  Stepped in gum.  Tried to get it off and kicked shoe across parking lot.  Car ran over shoe.  Time to call it a day.

*Did everybody else know that there were two A's in that word? 
**This word should have a U, but it doesn't.  I am orthographically confused today.
***I did not park in any handicapped spaces.  I am a squirrel-murderer, but not a sociopath.