Me: On another topic, do you know how to get red wine out of white sheets?
Michelle: How long ago did the wine thing happen? Is it still wet? So...that makes a difference in how you treat the stain, you know.
Me: Yes, still wet!
Michelle: Okay. You can try salt. Pour it on, rub gently. Rinse with seltzer water or club soda. Do that twice. Blot gently with paper towels in between. Then make a paste of baking soda and seltzer and let it sit for awhile. Rinse repeat.
Me: Okay. But I didn't have seltzer, so I used tonic water. Also, now I have to clean up the box of baking soda that I dropped all over the kitchen floor. Good thing Mom is asleep.
Michelle: Um...how drunk are you? And did it work? Or do you need emergency methods #3 & #4?
Me: I am not drunk at all because I spilled my whole glass of wine on the sheets and didn't even get a sip! All I had tonight was coffee...The wine has come out like a miracle! You are an awesome wonder!
Michelle: I told you guys before: I really do know everything. [Editor's note: this is almost entirely true. The exception is Doctor Who. Michelle does not know much about Doctor Who. It is a sad flaw in her perfection.]
Me: But when I used the dust buster on the baking soda, it overheated and started sparking and stuff.
Michelle: lol--Wait, what? You did NOT use a dustbuster on damp baking soda??!! Natalie. NO.
Me: Um, should I not have done that? Now I will have to go buy a new dustbuster tomorrow.
Michelle: Ack! No. You can't vacuum up damp, clumpy baking soda with a dustbuster. The engine doesn't have enough power to handle that.
Me: Well, the swiffer is just pushing it around. This is very bad. Mom is going to kill me.
Michelle: LET IT DRY! Then sweep it up. Did you not take chemistry?
Me: [anecdotes here about me taking chemistry firmly deleted]
Michelle: Sweep it up with a broom, btw, not anything else.
Me: Okay. But now I must plot to keep mom out of the kitchen until it dries. This may involve sleeping on the couch to monitor her movements. On the up side, the front of the fridge is very clean where I wiped it off.
Me again: Oh fuck.
Michelle: Oh fuck what?
Me: Um. I do not want to tell you.
Michelle: Seriously, what.
Me: I put a fan aimed at the kitchen floor to dry the baking soda, and I think I turned it on too high. Oh. This is much worse.
Michelle: YOU USED A FAN? NATALIE, WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!
JUST LET IT AIR DRY.
Baking soda is simply sodium bicarbonate (NaHCO3). You can just let it sit around until it dries with no harm done. Unless you moronically blow it everywhere or try to suck it up without a wetvac.
Me: Well, Mom is awake now. Apparently, Spike jumped into her bed with baking soda all over his fur. I am in deep shit.
Me: But at least I got the wine out of the sheets.