Well, it has been a long, long time, precious readers, and I know I don’t have any followers left, but today is a miserable rainy day, and I decided, why not update the blog? This will shock and surprise people. I like shocking and surprising people.
I thought about posting about my purchase of a Device of Spite, and I thought about posting about my inability to stop purchasing lavender scented hair products, but then I thought: oh, the hell with it, let’s tell people how to stop acting on the internet.
Because they are so likely to listen, that’s why.
So, in a follow up to a list of made years ago, here is an updated list of things I want everyone to stop doing on the facebook. I know that the facebook is now for old people, and I should be talking about tweeting or pinterests or snapchatting or insta-whatever, but while I have accounts on some of these, I never check them. If these things apply to them, though, be sure to adapt my advice accordingly.
Things I Want People to Stop Doing on Facebook (at Least Where I Can See Them)
1. “Most people won’t repost this, but…”. Stop. Just stop it. Do you want me to hate you? Do you want everyone to hate you even my cats? Unless you answered “yes,” then stop this madness right now.
2. Quoting compliments from one’s students. Obviously, this is aimed at my fellow academics, which is a bunch of you. Look, I know it’s awesome to get thank you notes and appreciative comments because we spend so much time getting, well, not that. I myself have a cork board in my office on which I collect thank you cards and notes from my students. But it is behind my office door, not on my facebook feed. Do you really think that when someone sits down and writes you a nice compliment, they expect you to copy that shit and post it on social media? Don't you understand that you are turning an act of personal appreciation into blatant self-congratulatory narcissism? Let me put it this way: I’m sure lots of people send heartfelt notes of gratitude to Wonder Woman, but I’m damned sure she doesn’t scan them onto her insta-whatever account in a simultaneous act of self-praise and envy-inducing side-eye at Batman, right? Right. Stop it.
3. Photos of your child’s first poo in the potty. If you post this on facebook, you are a terrible person, and I hope lice infest your toenails.
4. Photos of open wounds, infected skin, and unhealed surgery sites. Most of your friends are not medical doctors or nurses and are not trained to diagnose you on the internet. Plus, that’s just gross.
5. A list of everything you accomplished today, including how long it took you to do it, how exhausted you are, and what self-care regimen you are about to undergo. Look, it’s nice that you baked 200 cookies, sent your latest manuscript to the editor, and knitted six car covers, but I’m celebrating the fact that I ran the dishwasher this morning without forgetting that glass on my coffee table, and you don’t see me begging for praise from the internets, do you? I mean, be as heroically over-accomplished as you want, but have a little dignity. Damn.
6. Anti-vax propaganda. Not everyone who posts this is stupid. Some are misinformed. Some are evil. Expect to be aggressively informed, by me, if you post this stupid and dangerous bullshit where I can see it.
7. Squirrels. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND SOMEDAY I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE.