Monday, December 29, 2014

Real Conversation with Mom: the Transporter Room

The Coolest Christmas Gift Ever!

Me:  I can't believe that Gretchen actually got me a transporter room shower curtain for Christmas!

Mom:  Me either.  I cry every time I go in there.

Me:  Cry?  Why would you cry?

Mom:  It is ugly.

Me:  Mom, it is a transporter room!  When you get in the shower, you can beam to strange new worlds!  Don't you have any imagination?

Mom:  I like this world.  And I like a fancy bathroom.

Me:  Fancy?!  Mother, don't you realize that a transporter room has a lever that compensates for the Heisenberg uncertainty principle?  There is nothing fancier than a transporter room. 

Mom:  That is bullsh!t.  Besides, now you come in there too much and try to interrupt my pee time.  It's bad enough that the kitties won't let me use the bathroom alone, but now you stand out there jiggling and talking about beaming away.  It is very bad.

Me:  Okay, I will try to stop that.  But you have to admit, we now have a very cool bathroom.

Mom:  I will not admit that. 

Me:  But...

Mom:  And your sister is in serious trouble.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Real Conversations with Mom: Copycat Christmas Decorations


Upon reading this post, my friend Mark expressed some outrage that it was not accompanied by photos of his decorations.  Not wishing to outrage that Mark (which would put me in the company of some extremely unsavory people), I splashed through the Christmas mud this morning to bring you these images of his festive abode:

The Peanuts characters that so entrance Mom

The Grinch whose gaze she finds rather disturbing
Mom:  "Look at that!  Did you see that!  Wait.  Back up!"

Me:  "Back up?  Mom, I'm trying to drive here."

Mom: "There is no traffic on this street.   You back up right now and look at what's in front of that house."

Me:  "Okay, okay.  What?"

Mom:  "Do you see that?!"

Me:  "They have the Peanuts characters in the yard.  I like Peanuts."

Mom:  "Those are the same decorations that Riley's daddy has!*"

Me:  "Yes, that is true.  He has Peanuts characters and the Grinch."

Mom:  "These people have copycatted him!  That is not right.  He had his decorations first."

Me:  "Well, honestly, I think there is room in this neighborhood for more than one house with Peanuts characters."

Mom:  "No, there is not!  What will the little kids think?"

Me:  "?!"

Mom:  "They will not know which house Charlie Brown lives at.  They will be all confused."

Me:  "Um, Mom..."

Mom:  "I mean, think of the poor children.  We should go to that house and tell them to take down those decorations."

Me:  "We will not be doing that."

Mom: "You know what you are?  You are a boring bummer.  You are afraid to tell people what you think."

Me:  "That is so very untrue that, that...there is no more untruer thing in the universe."

Mom:  "Hah!"

Me:  "Really, no one has ever said that to me before.  Ever."

Mom:  "Hey, do you have Riley's daddy's phone number?"

Me:  "Yes, but I'm not giving it to you.  You are just going to cause trouble."

Mom:  "I do not know where I went wrong with you."

*"Riley's daddy" = my friend, Mark.  Riley is his dog.  Mom does not remember the names of my friends, but she does remember the names of their pets.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Things People Have Said to Me This Week

It is finals week, beloved readers, and that means that we (students, professors, people-who-have-to-be-exposed-to-students-or-professors) are a bit crazed.  And you know me well enough by now, precious ones, to know that I keep you all in mind during such weeks, for, lo! they provide much fodder for the blog. 

Things People Have Said 
(or posted or emailed or texted) to Me This Week

  • My doctor, turning to his computer after having removed a sliver of glass from my foot:  "C'mon, y'all, where did you hide the foreign bodies?"
  • My dear friend Kim, who is responsible for this blog's existence, upon watching me struggle to fasten my seat belt while simultaneously disentangling my purse from my jacket:  "That happens to Remy all the time!" [Note: Remy is 18 months old]
  • My friend Liz, shamelessly pandering: "Humping is always interesting."  "I'm just hoping I get quoted in Natalie's blog as being funnier than grading" "I find Natalie needs a nudge now and then."  "Natalie, note humping comment above."  Noted, Liz.  Repeatedly.
  • My mom, who had a pinched nerve, upon being told, by me, that moaning "Oh, God!" was starting to get repetitive:  "You asshole!  You asshole, asshole, asshole!"  
  • Campus safety officer, upon seeing me attempt to parallel park:  "Huh.  I thought you were getting better at that."
  • My sister, after receiving six successive texts that were supposed to go to my friend Kim:  "U need help, serious help..."
  • Deno, my wonderful colleague, to Sally, another wonderful colleague, during a department meeting:  "Smack her, please.  I can't reach that far."
  • My colleague Amy, in response to my "Ow, ow, ow!" floating toward her down a hallway:  "Good morning, Gnat.  When I hear 'ow,' I always know it's you."
Now, for the fun part, says I:  let's put all of these comments together and see what it reveals about my week:

C'mon, y'all, where did you hide the foreign bodies?  That happens to Remy all the time! Humping is always interesting.  Natalie, note humping comment above. You asshole!  You asshole, asshole, asshole!  Huh.  I thought you were getting better at that.  U need help, serious help...Smack her, please.  I can't reach that far.  Good morning, Gnat.  When I hear 'ow,' I always know it's you.

All in all, I'd prefer more humping and fewer assholes and slivers of glass next week.  If it's all the same to you.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

More Office Door Signs!

I can't help it.  I now have an endless supply of these door hangers, and the temptation is just too great:

Because we NEED the Oxford comma, dammit!
No one really wants to know the details anyway
It's a serious illness, you know.
Establishing priorities is important
Showing off my linguistic facility
Really, either one would be welcome.
Because watching you text is not what I consider a productive meeting
You have to say it with a Scottish accent

Hee-hee!  For everyone, my humor is not.
And in what others do not know.
Especially for finals week