Sunday, February 7, 2016

Ten Things General Leia Didn’t Say Aloud

Yes, gentle readers, I have returned to the blog!  Forgive my absence; I have no excuse.  I was doing Other Things, Things a person should wot not of.  In my absence, a new Star Wars movie was released, and social media has blown up with twitter accounts and memes and passionate analyses of the film.  Here is my modest contribution.

Ten Things General Leia Didn’t Say Aloud
 (but was definitely thinking) During the Force Awakens

1.     “Well, it looks like Poe has eyes for the new guy.  Good. If I had to listen to ‘Jagged Little Pill’ one more time, I was going feed him to a sarlacc.”
2.      “Oh great, the flying hunk of garbage is back.  I paid good money to have that ship stolen, too.”
3.     “Five planets.  They just blew up five planets.  I wish Kenobi was alive to bitch slap my brother into action.”
4.     How can the same shit happen to the same princess twice?”
5.     “So I was rescued by a farmer and smuggler, and Rey is rescued by a sanitation worker.  Well, not so much rescued as hitched a ride with…”
6.     “When all’s said and done, I’d rather just have a shot of Corellian whiskey and a hot bath.”
7.     “Why is it that they have to blow up 80% of my fleet every time we have to take out a superweapon?   We’re rebels, terrorists.  We can’t just buy new fighters on ebay.”
8.     “I know it’s not a new jacket; I can smell it from here.  He never could take a hint.”
9.     “Maybe if I repeat ‘our son’ over and over again, Han won’t notice how much the kid looks like Wedge…”

10.  “Hmm…I like this Rey.  She reminds me of someone.  No, not Luke.  No, not Gen. Kenobi…oh, never mind.  Where’s that whiskey?”