Tuesday, July 12, 2016


Mom: Stop this car so that I can smack that guy.

Me: No.

Mom:  You never let me do what I want to do!

Me:  That's because everything you want to do is a felony.

Mom: You are no fun.  It's heartbreaking, really heartbreaking that you never let me do what I want to do!

Me: Yes, I am a terrible daughter.


Mom:  Oh!  Did you see that!  Pull over, so I can smack the <expletive deleted> out of that guy!

Me:  We've talked about this.

Mom:  Listen, you put it on the computer, and all your computer friends said that you should let me do what I want!

Me:  That's because none of my computer friends would have to come up with the cash to bail you out of jail.

Mom: (long pause) That's not how it works.  They wouldn't charge me anything.

Me: What are you talking about?

Mom:  People over seventy-five don't have to pay any bail.

Me: That is not true.

Mom: How do you know?  How do you know?  It is true.  And you should let me do what I want.

Me: No.

Mom:  My Kimmy would let me do it.  My Alyce would let me do it.  All your computer friends would let me...

Me:  Mom!  We do not live in a society where you turn seventy-five and can go around committing felonious assault any time you want!

Mom:  (long pause)  Can I have a baby elephant?

Me: No.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Unanticipated Assistance

Scene 1: Grocery Store Parking Lot

Me:  "Hi!"

Wonderful friends:  "Hey! <insert standard small talk here>"

Me: <more pleasant chatter>

Wonderful friends: "So, do you need your grocery list?  Because you texted it to us this morning."

Me: "Ugh!  So sorry!"

Scene II: Produce Section

Delightful neighbor:  "Don't forget the watermelon."

Me: "What?"

Delightful neighbor:  "The watermelon.  It was on the grocery list you texted me this morning.  Don't forget it."

Me: "Oh no!  Um...thanks!"

Delightful neighbor:  "No problem, dear."
Scene III: Frozen Foods

Colleague from Work: "I don't see the cherry pie.  You're supposed to get a cherry pie."

Me: "Um...did I text that to you this morning?"

Colleague:  "You did.  Don't forget it."

Me: "Thanks.  And sorry for the text."

Colleague: "I'm saving it for the fall party!"

Me: "Wonderful."

Scene IV: While Searching for Raspberry Tea

Former Student: "Hey, did you remember the cheese?"

Me:  "Alright!  What is this?  I don't even have your cell phone number!"

Former Student (backing away slowly): "Uh, you posted it to facebook this morning."

Me:  "I did not!"

Former Student: "Then how did I know about the cheese?"

Me: <growl>
Scene V: The Check-out Line

Cashier:  "Did you find everything you were looking for?"

Me: <very shouty> "YES!"

Cashier: ?!

Me: <quietly> "I'm sorry.  I'm having some trouble working my phone."

Cashier: "It's okay, honey.  They don't make them for us normal people anymore."

Me: "No, no, they don't." <whispering>  "The phones are evil."

Cashier: "Right.  Evil.  You go home and rest now."