Saturday, August 30, 2014

Reasons for Never Giving Me Your Cell Number

Greetings, beloved readers!  It has been too, too long, and I have neglected you frightfully.  But I am back in the groove.  Well, more or less.  Last night, I was at a most delightful gathering when several of my so-called friends began to ritually humiliate me by sharing a plenitude of misdirected and/or misspelled / autocorrected texts that have appeared without warning on their respective phones.  From me.

I am not good with the texting.

I am good with stealing the amusing ideas of others, however, so here, my precious ones, is a list of the, strange?...text messages that I have sent to the wrong person or persons over the last few years.  I will point out that, naturally, almost all of them made perfect sense in context, a context which, alas, the textees did not in fact have.

Natalie's Worst Misdirected Texts
 (some with Amusing Autocorrect Fails included!)

  • It's the cab that has been shamed.
  • I am mad at the rabbit
  • Getting dressed then going to meet a feather striker.  Stroker.  Whatever.
  • Dildos on Wednesday night, yes?
  • No, no!  Klingon.  Silurians don't need them due to claws.
  • I have cut myself in the face with my debit card.
  • Might have to start calling you Sir.  Or Batman.
  • To all the people who received my misdirected text:  please do not be alarmed.  I do not have cholera.
  • If I planned better, I would have minions for when I get dick.
  • The humid air outside is just a nighthawk when you have brontosaurus
  • Mom is drinking mudslides at airport. I have a cherry cough drop.
  • Godzilla RAWR!
  • Frustrated by that reign today.
  • Everyone's arguing about the length of their pants.  Feel like stabbing myself in the eye.
  • Creepy lights stopped.  Resume normal operations.
  • The migraines are little people trying to escape from their heads.
  • Not with sugar, no.
  • It zips!
  • Getting rid of the last of the fetuses and old electric outlets
  • Don't ever touch it if it's wet.
  • No, the little puppet version was naked in the cage.
  • I really think that approach is, aside from boring, paleographically unsound.
  • I seem to have sent that text to ten people.  I suck at sexting.
  • Elastic druids are the hot new toy.
  • I am quite stunned by all of these dragon vaginas. 

Monday, August 11, 2014

R.I.P. Robin Williams

happy days, happy feet, the crazy ones
absolutely anything shakes the clown
seize the day
the best of times, man of the the year, the fisher king
everyone’s hero.
goodnight, Vietnam.  the birdcage insomnia.  the night listener.
the timekeeper
mrs. doubtfire
the awakenings being human.
the final cut, the big white:
what dreams may come...stage left