An Unholy Conversation in the Grocery Store

Me:  "Mom, this is Ben.  You haven't met him before, but he works at Wofford."

Mom:  "Hello, Ben!  Are you a football fan?"

Ben:  "No, although I like European football.  Soccer."

Mom:  "Just soccer?"

Ben:  "Soccer."

Mom:  "Oh, well, my silly daughter is a Cubs fan."

Ben:  "Is that a baseball team?"

Me:

Me:

Me:

Alas, me:

Reasons for Never Giving Me Your Cell Number

Greetings, beloved readers!  It has been too, too long, and I have neglected you frightfully.  But I am back in the groove.  Well, more or less.  Last night, I was at a most delightful gathering when several of my so-called friends began to ritually humiliate me by sharing a plenitude of misdirected and/or misspelled / autocorrected texts that have appeared without warning on their respective phones.  From me.

I am not good with the texting.

I am good with stealing the amusing ideas of others, however, so here, my precious ones, is a list of the most...er, strange?...text messages that I have sent to the wrong person or persons over the last few years.  I will point out that, naturally, almost all of them made perfect sense in context, a context which, alas, the textees did not in fact have.

Natalie's Worst Misdirected Texts

 (some with Amusing Autocorrect Fails included!)

• It's the cab that has been shamed.
• I am mad at the rabbit
• Getting dressed then going to meet a feather striker.  Stroker.  Whatever.
• Dildos on Wednesday night, yes?
• No, no!  Klingon.  Silurians don't need them due to claws.
• I have cut myself in the face with my debit card.
• Might have to start calling you Sir.  Or Batman.
• To all the people who received my misdirected text:  please do not be alarmed.  I do not have cholera.
• If I planned better, I would have minions for when I get dick.
• The humid air outside is just a nighthawk when you have brontosaurus
• Mom is drinking mudslides at airport. I have a cherry cough drop.
• Godzilla RAWR!
• Frustrated by that reign today.
• Everyone's arguing about the length of their pants.  Feel like stabbing myself in the eye.
• Creepy lights stopped.  Resume normal operations.
• The migraines are little people trying to escape from their heads.
• Not with sugar, no.
• It zips!
• Getting rid of the last of the fetuses and old electric outlets
• Don't ever touch it if it's wet.
• No, the little puppet version was naked in the cage.
• I really think that approach is, aside from boring, paleographically unsound.
• I seem to have sent that text to ten people.  I suck at sexting.
• Elastic druids are the hot new toy.
• I am quite stunned by all of these dragon vaginas. 

R.I.P. Robin Williams

happy days, happy feet, the crazy ones
absolutely anything shakes the clown
seize the day
toys
the best of times, man of the the year, the fisher king
everyone’s hero.
goodnight, Vietnam.  the birdcage insomnia.  the night listener.
the timekeeper
mrs. doubtfire
the awakenings being human.
the final cut, the big white:
what dreams may come...stage left

Real Conversation with Mom: On Mustangs

Mom:  "Look at that!  Look at that!  That is not right!"

Me:  "What now?"

Mom:  "That car in front of us; that is a Mustang."

Me:  "Okay."

Mom:  "So why is it that pissy-shit color?!"

Me:  "It is green."

Mom:  "It is icky-green!  That is not the color of a Mustang.  Look, I see the little horse!  That is definitely a Mustang."

Me:  "Okay."

Mom:  "Why aren't you upset about this?  Look at that color!"

Me:  "I already quoted Star Trek at you.  Shall I repeat myself?"

Mom:  "This is not a star trekkie thing!  Look!  Mustangs are black or white or red.  And that is it."

Me:  "Well, this one is lime green."

Mom:  "They have ruined the Mustang!"

Me:  "Maybe the owners wanted a lime green Mustang."

Mom:  "The owners can [multiple expletives deleted].  This is not right!"

Me:  "Would you like me to write to the Ford Motor Company to express your outrage?"

Mom:  "Yes!  Also, ram that car and ruin that ugly paint job."

Me:  "I will not be ramming any cars today."

Mom:  "You do not understand what's important in life.  Lime green Mustangs are wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong!"

Me:  "I'm sorry.  But don't you think people should be able to have whatever color car they want?"

Mom:  "No, I do not!  The rest of us have to look at those cars.  And this is a Mustang."

Me:  "So you have said.  I don't get it."

Mom:  "Won't you ram that car for your poor mother?"

Me: "No."

Mom:  "Fine.  I like your sister better anyway."

Real Conversation with Mom: A Deli-cate Situation

Mom:  "I'm still mad at that guy who cut the cheese."

Me:  "Um..what?"

Mom:  "That guy who cut the cheese!  He stood there for half an hour, doing it over and over to get it just right.  I wanted to smack him."

Me:  "Maybe you should have called him a doctor."

Mom:  "What the hell are you talking about?!  He was cutting the cheese!"

Me:  "Half an hour is a long time to perform that bodily function."

Mom:  "What are you talking about?"

Me:  "What are you talking about?"

Mom:  "The guy who cut my cheese at the deli."

Me:  "Oh.  I thought it was some random guy farting."

Mom:  "Farting?"

Me:  "You know, cutting the cheese?"

Mom:  "Great.  Now there are two people I want to slap today."

Googlisms

Good evening, gentle readers!  In my on-going quest to be a weak, less-funny version of the great Jenny Lawson, I have taken the Bloggess's advice today, and put my name in a site called "googlism" which is supposed to tell you what google thinks about you.

The first results were complimentary, but disappointing:

• natalie grinnell is fabulous
• natalie grinnell is probably the cutest sweetest girl i know glad to have her as a friend ? pic
• natalie grinnell is the founder and creative director of studio 41 creative

So google thinks I'm fabulous (of course), that I'm a cute, sweet friend whose pic it wants (sorry, google, I'm just not that into you),  and the founder of a company I've never heard of.  Huh.

So I took off the last name and just entered "Natalie."  Here are my favorite results:

• natalie is now classicnatalie
• natalie is a single ukrainian woman
• natalie is still really stupid
• natalie is a pseudonym for heather
• natalie is a lot of woman
• natalie is seen here with a portable burner doing some hands on heating of green copper carbonate which turned to black copper oxide
• natalie is tall and lithe
• natalie is a full professor
• natalie is a tough cookie
• natalie is hot and she's in freakin' star wars
• natalie is going to run the entire world
• natalie is captured by an evil spellmage called hawk
• natalie is also a former shadow of herself
• natalie is a goddess unregistered user
• natalie is a magnificent magpie

And this Natalie is going to pretend that Natalie Portman and Natalie Wood and Natalie from the Dixie Chicks don't exist, so that she can imagine that google really does think she's all of these things at once.

Except for a pseudonym for Heather.  That's one's obviously ridiculous.

Real Conversation with Mom: Being Creepy

Me:  "Mom, if you could have a superpower, what would it be?"

Mom:  "Oh, I have to think about that."

[long, long pause involving much kissing of cats]

Mom:  "Okay, I think Supergirl."

Me:  "No, not what superhero would you be, but which super power would you have.  You only get one."

Mom:  "Oh!  I would turn invisible."

Me:  "You can't answer like that!  That's creepy!"

Mom:  "I would like to be creepy.  I would go invisible, and I would go to school and see what you do.  And then I would watch the students.  And I would watch the neighbors.  And I would go down and watch your sister too."

Me:  "You would spy on your own children."

Mom:  "Yes, I would."

Me:  "Why?!"

Mom:  "So I could blackmail you, of course."

Me:  "You would blackmail your own children?!"

Mom:  "Yes, and my kitties would come with me, and they would be invisible too, and I would hold one under one arm and one under the other, and no one could see us.  And I would go to football games, and if they were bad to my guys, we would come up and punch them and run away, and they couldn't see us."

Me:  "It sounds creepy."

Mom:  "Yes, yes, it is creepy."

Me:  "In fact, it sounds like you want to be a super villain."

Mom:  "Yeah!  That is what I want!  I will be a super villain, and I will kick ass!"

Me:  "Good lord."