Saturday, August 30, 2014

Reasons for Never Giving Me Your Cell Number

Greetings, beloved readers!  It has been too, too long, and I have neglected you frightfully.  But I am back in the groove.  Well, more or less.  Last night, I was at a most delightful gathering when several of my so-called friends began to ritually humiliate me by sharing a plenitude of misdirected and/or misspelled / autocorrected texts that have appeared without warning on their respective phones.  From me.

I am not good with the texting.

I am good with stealing the amusing ideas of others, however, so here, my precious ones, is a list of the, strange?...text messages that I have sent to the wrong person or persons over the last few years.  I will point out that, naturally, almost all of them made perfect sense in context, a context which, alas, the textees did not in fact have.

Natalie's Worst Misdirected Texts
 (some with Amusing Autocorrect Fails included!)

  • It's the cab that has been shamed.
  • I am mad at the rabbit
  • Getting dressed then going to meet a feather striker.  Stroker.  Whatever.
  • Dildos on Wednesday night, yes?
  • No, no!  Klingon.  Silurians don't need them due to claws.
  • I have cut myself in the face with my debit card.
  • Might have to start calling you Sir.  Or Batman.
  • To all the people who received my misdirected text:  please do not be alarmed.  I do not have cholera.
  • If I planned better, I would have minions for when I get dick.
  • The humid air outside is just a nighthawk when you have brontosaurus
  • Mom is drinking mudslides at airport. I have a cherry cough drop.
  • Godzilla RAWR!
  • Frustrated by that reign today.
  • Everyone's arguing about the length of their pants.  Feel like stabbing myself in the eye.
  • Creepy lights stopped.  Resume normal operations.
  • The migraines are little people trying to escape from their heads.
  • Not with sugar, no.
  • It zips!
  • Getting rid of the last of the fetuses and old electric outlets
  • Don't ever touch it if it's wet.
  • No, the little puppet version was naked in the cage.
  • I really think that approach is, aside from boring, paleographically unsound.
  • I seem to have sent that text to ten people.  I suck at sexting.
  • Elastic druids are the hot new toy.
  • I am quite stunned by all of these dragon vaginas. 


  1. I got one that said "definitely sick and randomly sexting" and I never knew (still don't) whether it was supposed to say "texting" or if you really meant "sexting." But my favorites are when I have no idea if I'm the intended recipient or not. I got the Godzilla one listed above. Was I meant to? By you or by some universal force?

  2. I have never sexted anyone. On purpose.