Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Things That Annoy Me on Facebook (Other Than the Timeline)

It's been a while since my last post, because, believe it or not, I've been working like crazy.  I know, I know:  why is a professor working during the summer?  Don't you all fly off to Greece or Italy or somewhere to sip fruity drinks and read long, heavy books?   Hah! I work every damn summer, and I enjoy it, so there!

 And, of course, the War between Me and the Invasive Plant Species continues apace.

Nevertheless, I did check in with the Bloggess's web site today (link to the right; she's so much funnier than I am that her blog should be called "Really, Seriously, Much Funnier Than Grading," but as she's not a teacher she probably doesn't know how funny or unfunny grading is, so that would be a bad title after all.  Never mind.), and she has a really funny list of smarmy quotations with clever followups that made me giggle and put down the Middle English tome I was perusing.

Now, I don't want to plagiarize the Bloggess (All Hail, Jenny!), but it did occur to me that many of those smarmy quotations have appeared as facebook statuses, and that I hate reading smarmy facebook statuses almost as much as I hate the wisteria trying to kill my gardenias.  And then, dear readers, I decided that I would make you a list of other things that annoy me on facebook.  I encourage you to add to the list, not only because summer is a good time to complain about something that you didn't design, can't control and don't pay for, but because I need more damn comments on this blog.

Things That Annoy Me On Facebook (Other Than Timeline)

1. The Insufficiency of the like button goes awry.  You know what I mean, right?   Say a friend posts a sad story about someone who was bullied and tried to kill herself, but was unsuccessful.  You want to be supportive because bullying is awful.  But can you click like?  If you do, will it mean that you like the fact that the suicide failed?   That the bullies were caught?   That there is a cool, moving article for you to read this morning?  But if you don't click like, does it mean that you didn't appreciate the article?  Are you an insensitive bully yourself, mayhap?  So you have to wait to see if other people like or or not.  Argh!   What we need is an "I support people failing to be bullied into suicide" button.  Or maybe just an "I support this article, even though I don't like everything it describes" button.  This choice between like and not liking is not sufficient for the complexity of human existence.  Or even facebook existence.

2. Song Lyrics as Statuses.  First of all, your status is not a song unless you are in a musical.  Second, you did not write that status; you just copied and pasted it, and I take off points for lack of originality.  And third, you all keep picking songs I don't know and making me feel old and out of touch.  Stop it.

3. LOL Cats links.  The cats are cute, but I am owned by two cats, and I feel it's important that you all understand that cats do NOT speak in babytalk.  Not even kittens speak in babytalk.  And if they would deign to spell in English, they would spell better than you or me.  Random Z's would not appear.

4. Hashtags in facebook statuses.  Go back to twitter where you belong hashtags!  You have no place in this realm.

5. Lack of an Edit Feature.  Because everyone makes mistakes, but without an edit feature, I can't tell which of my friends can't tell the difference between their and there and which ones are just prone to typos, and this is interfering with my sense of superiority.

6. Constant, Relentless, Paranoid Warnings About Lack of Privacy.  Nothing on the internet is private.  Period.  Assume everything you post can be read by your mother.  Or worse yet, by my mother.  And that she will repost it to all of your exes and your employer at first opportunity.

7. Birthday Wishes.  First of all, don't make your damn birth date public on facebook.  It's used too often as identifying information.  Second, I want birthday cards.  Real cards that require a person to stand in front of a big display for half an hour finding just the right Shoebox greeting to suit my sense of humor, then pay for a stamp and put it in the damn mail.  These electronic greetings are a pitiful substitute and a symbol of the death of civilization.

8. Lines from Movies and TV Shows as Statuses.  See #2 above.

9. Photos of Surgical Scars.  Really, people?  Do I have to actually tell you that posting photos of your pus-filled infected staples from where you stepped on glass last weekend is not proper facebook etiquette?  And don't even get me started on parents who post photos of little Janey's first poo in the potty.  Good gracious, where is Miss Manners when you need her?!

10. Most People Won't Repost This, But You'd Better Or You're Not a Decent Human Being, and You Probably Beat Puppies and Are Definitely Going to Hell messages.  Because copying and pasting a damn facebook status is going to raise money for a cause?  Not likely.  Keep your guilt-inducing statuses to yourself.  If your cause is good or the story is important, all you need to do is write something compelling, moving or witty, and it will spread across the internet.  Bonus points for a cool image or two.  If you have to threaten people to repost your message, you're doing something wrong.


  1. As usual, right on target.....except for the birthday greeting one. I kind of enjoyed getting those, knowing that many who typed happy birthday on FB would otherwise have let the day go by.

  2. Regarding number 3: I completely agree. I do not understand why so many of my friends' cats use baby talk, and can't spell. My cats all speak and write fluent French.

    Alas, I do not speak French; I think this is why my cats have no respect for me.

  3. I do speak French; I do not believe that it has increased my cats' respect for me in the slightest.

  4. Great post, and I agree in so many things. But now I'm worried... what the hell is my cat thinking of me when I call him all sorts of stupid nicknames? Nope, I don't think RESPECT comes to mind...

  5. He's thinking, "If they didn't have opposable thumbs, we would have eliminated them long ago."