Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Leia Is Provoked

Look, I'm a cat.  Okay?  A cat.  Normally, we're too busy working out the details of the space-time-fur continuum to bother with the internet, but every once in a while, one of you naked monkeys does something to disturb our contemplation of higher matters.

I'm not talking about your ordinary failures:  your sloth, your clumsiness, your infuriating habit of spreading out lovely books and papers and then trying to prevent us from lying on them.  I'm not even referring to the number of you who assault, abandon, starve and abuse some of us (just wait until you find out what Baast has waiting for you in the afterlife!).  No, no, what has ruffled my fur tonight is that one of you tried to be funny.

At our expense.

Ahem.  One A. J. Daulerio writes the following:

"There's a species in the animal kingdom that needs to be eliminated from planet earth and it's called "a cat," or Felis domesticus, traditionally adopted by many lonely individuals as a stand-in companion to an actual person, handicapped or upright-walking." 

Oh, very nice, that one.  Ha-hah.  As if we cats are stand-ins for anything!  Please.  Usually, you humans congregate with one another, which, frankly, is all the company most of you deserve.  Only the superior members of your species are able to form a symbiotic relationship with a cat. 

Unfortunately, just as some humans rise above the limitations of your nature, others fail to reach even humane levels of intelligence.  Case in point.  Mr. Daulerio finishes his amusing little rant by suggesting that those who are owned by cats are in such abysmal circumstances that other humans should:  "just go into their houses and kidnap their cats so they can be placed in a giant freezer for humane eradication."

Of course, it should be clear even to the most limited intellect that Mr. Daulerio's rant is not really about cats, but about his own limited success in human mating rituals, as he seems to assume that all cat-owned humans are female and that they "do not procreate, let alone find a male sexual partner to share a bed with them for more than a few hours," a claim which is verifiably false.  And rather gross.  Indeed, he seems to feel that such females as he has somehow attracted (clearly not with his wit) have been ritually drugging him.  Bitterness, it appears, has caused Mr. Daulerio to transfer his resentment of human women to their four-footed companions.

Now, I have to admit that I don't much care what you humans get up to in your sexual battles, provided my food continues to arrive on time, but I would appreciate it if you'd keep us out of it.  Do you know how many cats are "humanely destroyed" every day in just this one nation-state?  How many are tortured and starved all over this planet?  And this little monkey writes a supposedly humorous little rant encouraging every male member of homo sapiens with mommy issues to kidnap and kill more of us?

Once we finish training the dogs on this planet, you humans...oh, never mind.  You'll find out eventually.

Here's the offensive column, by the way:  http://jezebel.com/5921528/fuck-you-cats  Now, leave me alone; I have some complex equations to work out.

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