So Mom has been bugging me to do a post on my shoes because I have, shall we say, an excessive collection of footwear. But one of my friends told me not to post about shoes because I'd either lose all of my male readers, or confirm their stereotypes about women, or both.
And that got me thinking about men and shoes, and that made me angry. Miffed. Put out.
Because, well, because if you mention shoes to some of the many men that I have dated, worked with or just sat next to on an airplane, 96.4% of them say the following: "I don't get it. I have a pair of black shoes and a pair of brown shoes. Who needs more than that?"
And to that I say: YOU LIE! You are all lying liars who lie!
You don't believe me? Okay, the next time someone of the masculine persuasion says that to you, immediately stand up...dramatically, okay? With a sweeping gesture that is unconcerned about knocking over glasses or lamps...stand up, point your figure accusingly and announce, "You lie! Take me to your house/apartment/condo/parents' basement right this minute!"
And 86.7% of the time, your male companion will hurriedly pay for the coffee/meal/shot and hold the door as you march him out toward the vehicles. He's not used to this kind of behavior, even if he's the type of guy who actually plans to use deception to get you to his house/apartment/condo/parents' basement, and he'll be particularly disturbed by the looks he gets if you're in public when you make your dramatic announcement.
When you get to the domicile in question, head for the master bedroom (if there is one), fling open his closet door (if there is one), and announce "Aha! What are these? Black shoes, check! Brown shoes, check! And what do we have here? A third pair of shoes, mayhap? Explain!"
The guy, having overcome his disappointment that you headed for the closet instead of the bed (unless he's a relative, gay or really frightened), will say dismissively, "Those don't count. They're not shoes; they're flipflops."
Not so! Are flipflops worn on the feet? Do you wear them in public? (Unfortunately, if he's under sixty, the answer to that is "yes" no matter how stinky, ugly and inappropriate they are.) If they don't count as shoes, then none of my dozen pair of sandals count either, Mr. Smug!
Then, you may gesture again, and say, "And what do I see here? A fourth pair of shoes?! Is this how you do your taxes? Cutting your estimates in half?! People go to prison for that, Mister!"
At which point, now somewhat abashed, he will say, "Well, those are just running shoes."
Running shoes. He has them, even if he doesn't run. In fact, 64% of the time, he has more than one pair, and 23% of the time, he has three or more pairs of athletic shoes, in different colors and styles, and yet he will still tell you that he only has two pairs of shoes.
And do you see a gym bag in that closet? Does he have a garage? Do you know what you're going to find? That's right: cleats. Golf cleats. And baseball or soccer cleats. If he's a certain age, you might even find bowling shoes. And weird rubbery things that go over shoes that he will still insist are not actually shoes, but since they change the color and water resistant qualities of shoes, they at least count as half a pair of shoes. And work boots. 77% of American men own a pair of work boots, 63% have more than one pair.
Then there are the boat shoes and / or the horrible crocs. Possibly snow boots or ski boots or hunting boots or rainboots.
Do you all see what I mean? Now, don't get me wrong. I have an excessive number of shoes. It's a weakness, a problem. But at least I own up to it. I don't go around trying to make 50% of the population feel guilty by claiming to have only two pairs of shoes because no one could possibly need more than that, all the while knowing that I have double, triple or quadruple that number shoes in my house/apartment/condo/parents' basement right that very minute.
Liars. Evil, smug liars.
Except, of course, the one in 354 men in the United States who really do have only two pairs of shoes. By choice, I mean. But before they get all condescending about it, ask them this: just how many ball caps do you own, buddy?