Me: "Mom, I have bad news."
Mom: "Please don't tell me that that Glee show is on for another hour."
Me: "Well, yes, as a matter of fact it is. But that's not what I was going to tell you."
Mom: "What did you break?"
Me: "Nothing. Well, I think I broke the soap dispenser at school today, but that's not what I was going to tell you."
Mom: "Did you tell your aunt that movers charge by the hour?"
Me: "What? Which aunt?"
Mom: "You know which aunt. And you're in big trouble with your other aunt if you did."
Me: "I have no idea what you're talking about, and I also deny it completely. Listen. This is important."
Me: "Bernie has announced his retirement."
Mom: "What?! My Bernie? He cannot retire!"
Me: "Well, not until 2013, and he says he's going to come back..."
Mom: "You will text him right now!"
Me: "I don't have his cell phone number."
Mom: "You will e-mail him right now! And you will tell him that he cannot retire until I have those Wofford kitty collars, and that's final! He's just doing this to try to escape his duty to get me those collars."
Me: "You do realize that you're completely insane, right? Millennium hand and shrimp insane."
Mom: "You heard me. Don't make me repeat myself."