Friday, December 23, 2011

Christmas with Family

Many of you (okay, one or two of you, because that's the maximum number reading this blog) are probably waiting for a holiday post, one which records the amusing peccadilloes of various family members, possibly including strong drink and/or violence.

You're kidding, right?

Obviously, none of you who are not my family know my family if you think I'd include their holiday misadventures on my blog.  I mean, one of the sweetest--and clearly the most attractive--members of my family, my cousin Bekah, has spent half of this fall dismembering animals.  No, I don't mean she's taking an anatomy class.  I mean that she, along with my uncle, has been taking apart the corpses of Bambi and his relatives who were victims of vehicular homicide.  Do you understand what this means?

You all may have relatives who give you the cold shoulder or gossip in church, but my relatives know how to use knives.  I mean, is there all that much difference between cutting up a deer or a pheasant and doing the same to a smartass cousin who embarrasses you on-line?  Not enough for me to risk it, that's for darned sure.  And that uncle I mentioned?  He's like eight feet tall and could crush my windpipe with his pinky finger.  Even my sister, who doesn't look that intimidating at first glance, teaches something called bikram yoga, which means that not only can she balance her entire body on her elbow, but she can do it at 500 degrees fahrenheit.

My only weapons are the evil teacher glare and a set of worn ironic bon mots.   You understand where I'm going with this, right?

When you think of me this Christmas, I want you to envision my amazing and lovely family through the gauzy vision of an old film starring a bunch of wholesomer-than-wholesome stars:  my aunts, who fall into one another's arms whenever they meet and who only argue because each wants to be the one to do the dishes and let the other relax during the holidays; my cousin (not the knife-wielding one) with her five perfectly behaved children, each eager to hold open doors for their elders and sing a sweet Christmas carol that moves even the hardest of hearts; my loving sister and her family who gift everyone with handmade ornaments woven from their own hair; my uncle, who dresses up as Santa and jovially bounces the newest baby on his knee while nudging the yule log; and my lovely mother who knits car covers from dried kudzu vines while stirring the egg nog.

Currier and Ives would be pwned by my kinfolk, and the Hallmark channel could find five, maybe six, new films just by gazing through the delicately frosted windows looking in on our yuletide celebrations.   I mean, we're talking Duggar levels of peace and harmony and goodwill toward all the species.

As for the rest of you, just remember:  you can put whiskey or rum in the eggnog, but not both.


  1. hahahahhahah o my well I do not see how I could be offended by this illustration of my knife wielding talents...yes I help carve up tasty animals but dad still cannot watch me cut a block of cheese without informing me "If you keep holding that knife like that you are going to cut a finger off." I guess we do have an unorthodox collection of individuals in our family. Although I have to say I think maybe you had a few sips of spiked egg nog when you described such a picturesque, hallmark Christmas celebration with "children who sing sweet Christmas carols." And I would like to point out that sometimes in our family whiskey and rum in egg nog may be needed when journeying to a certain relative’s home. Christmas brings people together and as a result Christmas brings people and booze together. Whiskey, Rum, or in Aunt Carolyn's case Brandy can do much to ease the soul. My sister with the "perfectly behaved five children" asked me today if I being a nurse could somehow supply her with a sedative for Christmas Eve. Anyways I have noticed that you have forgotten to describe your contributions to the family. I will take it upon myself to supply this information. First you can always be counted on for healthy doses of sarcasm and comedic relief. You are also the one who can be used as a resource for literally any subject besides cooking, organization, and cleaning. You seem to possess at least a basic knowledge of any random topic. When my sister and I are watching movies late at night we know that should curiosity overtake us we can always turn to our cousin for answers. If I were ever on that Millionaire show you would certainly be my first choice for “phone a friend.” Well I hope you and Aunt Carolyn have a wonderful Christmas and I hope that you like the gift I got for you. And Cuddles misses Aunt Carolyn and wants her to visit soon as do all of us! And lastly please forgive any punctuation errors or misspellings that our probably clouding your English Professor vision at this point.

  2. Well, that was nice, Love, but I had group of student do the Phone-a-Friend thing to me at a trivia contest, and I completely choked. You have to remember that I only know things that are: a. of no importance whatsoever, b. written down in my notes in front of me, and/or c. not worth any money.