Real Conversations with Mom: Academic Rank

Mom:  "You know, all of my dead aunts and uncles would be really proud that you're a full professor now instead of a half professor."

Me:  "A half professor?  There's no such thing as a half professor."

Mom:  "What are they called, then?"

Me:  "Assistant, associate, then full."

Mom:  "Well, I just made some people half professors.  I like that better."

Me:  "I don't think you have the authority to do that."

Mom:  "I gave myself the authority.  And I'm going to tell all of the dead relatives."

Me:  "Wait.  What?"

Mom:  "I will tell them that you are not a half professor anymore, and they will be really relieved.  Being a half professor sucks."

Me:  "Seriously, Mom?  It's been a couple of years now since I...what am I saying?  I was never a damned half professor.  You are making my brain hurt."

Mom:  "Of course, I'll be really proud when you're a double professor.  That will be a great day."

Me:  "There is no such thing as a double professor, Mom."

Mom:  "Well, that is not right.  What is your new president's name?"

Me:  "I am not telling you.  Isn't it past your bedtime?"

Mom:  "Do not get smart with me!  You are not a double professor yet!  And if you are not careful, I will make you my half-daughter.  Then your sister will outrank you."

Me:  "I am not having this conversation."

Mom:  "Too late."