Mom: "You know, all of my dead aunts and uncles would be really proud that you're a full professor now instead of a half professor."
Me: "A half professor? There's no such thing as a half professor."
Mom: "What are they called, then?"
Me: "Assistant, associate, then full."
Mom: "Well, I just made some people half professors. I like that better."
Me: "I don't think you have the authority to do that."
Mom: "I gave myself the authority. And I'm going to tell all of the dead relatives."
Me: "Wait. What?"
Mom: "I will tell them that you are not a half professor anymore, and they will be really relieved. Being a half professor sucks."
Me: "Seriously, Mom? It's been a couple of years now since I...what am I saying? I was never a damned half professor. You are making my brain hurt."
Mom: "Of course, I'll be really proud when you're a double professor. That will be a great day."
Me: "There is no such thing as a double professor, Mom."
Mom: "Well, that is not right. What is your new president's name?"
Me: "I am not telling you. Isn't it past your bedtime?"
Mom: "Do not get smart with me! You are not a double professor yet! And if you are not careful, I will make you my half-daughter. Then your sister will outrank you."
Me: "I am not having this conversation."
Mom: "Too late."