Thursday, October 17, 2013

Disturbing Conversations from North Dakota

Me:  Wait.  What?

Michelle:  She sat the doll on the table, and we would talk, and every once in a while, she would tell me what the doll was thinking.

Me:  We're talking about a professor here, right?  One of us?

Michelle:  She brings the doll everywhere with her.  I didn't talk to it, of course, because I don't speak doll language.  She had to tell me what it was saying.

Me:  Uh-huh.

Michelle:  Actually, I might have talked to it once or twice.  But I didn't have to share my food with it or anything.  It had its own plate.

Me:  <pause> Well, that's a damned relief.  It would be terrible if a doll was eating off of your plate.

Michelle:  I'm not kidding.  This actually happened.  More than once.

Me:  Did you call someone?  A doctor maybe?

Michelle:  I knew that no one would believe me.  She also took the doll to a fabric store so that it could pick out new outfits.

Me:  You're frakking with me, right?  There's a camera somewhere in this room.

Michelle:  I swear, I'm not.  When I went to her house...

Me:  Stop!  You knew that this person thought that a doll could talk, that she gave it its own plate at restaurants, and you went to her house?

Michelle:  Well, she was assigned as my mentor.  Anyway, I saw that she has hundreds of dolls.  And boxes of doll parts.  Eyes.  And underwear.

Me:  Eyes?

Michelle:  Sometimes they need to change eyes.  But this isn't the best part.

Me:  I don't think I want to hear any more.

Michelle:  Yes, you do.  Her main doll, the one she took out, wanted a boyfriend.

Me:  A boyfriend? 

Michelle:  Yes.  She consulted with the doll, and it turned out that it wanted a boyfriend with elf ears and long silver hair.

Me:  Like Legolas.

Michelle:  Exactly!  So after she got her tax refund, she had enough money to order the boyfriend.  And then the doll--who likes me, by the way.

Me:  Of course, it does.

Michelle:  The doll told me a bit about its sex life.

Me:  I really don't want to hear any more.

Michelle:  Really?

Me:  No, I've come too far now.  Proceed.

Michelle:  Okay, well, apparently the doll fell madly in love at first, and they went at it all the time, but eventually the elf ears weren't a turn-on anymore.

Me:  I suppose that can happen with elf ears.

Michelle:  So she had to order new replacement ears for the boyfriend doll.

Me:  This person teaches college students?  She has a Ph.D.?

Michelle:  She does.  There was even an article about the abduction of her teaching assistant.

Me:  Which was, no doubt, a doll.

Michelle:  It was.

Me:  [long pause]  Did it get a stipend?

Michelle:  I have no idea.

Me:  North Dakota is a very strange place.

Michelle:  Well, she's not from North Dakota.  It's not North Dakota's fault!

Me:  I apologize.

Michelle:  Good!  Now, let me tell you about the time a child on a plane reached into my sack and stole my balls...


  1. She's from TEXAS. They breed strange there.

  2. Texas AND North Dakota...having lived and worked in both, I can tell you that this whole scenario was inevitable. The crazy runs deep and each place amplifies the lunacy of what is brought from the other...