Thursday, March 13, 2014

Real Conversations with Mom: Inquiries about my Colleagues

Mom:  So did you talk to my Deno today?

Me:  I did see him this morning, yes.

Mom:  And what is he doing this weekend?  Does he have big plans?

Me:  I didn't ask.

Mom:  Well, tell him no tennis.  It is too cold out.  He will freeze his balls off.

Me:  Mom, do you seriously want me to warn my chair not to freeze his balls off?

Mom:  No, no, that would be bad.  Tell him not to freeze his buns off.

Me:  Right.  I will definitely do that.

Mom:  Did you see my Kimmy today?

Me: Yes, she was moving very fast, but I managed a rapid exchange of greetings.

Mom:  She is a speedy one.  Did you give her a clementine?

Me:  No.  Was I supposed to?

Mom:  Of course, you were!  Do you think I would give you all those clementines for yourself?  What is wrong with you?

Me:  I don't know what I was thinking.  And they were good clementines, too.

Mom:  You are a greedy fruit eater, a greedy, greedy fruit eater.  No more clementines for you!

Mom:  Did you talk to my George today?

Me:  I did.  He was  a little grumpy.

Mom:  Why?

Me:  Because the Provost went out of his way to say nice things about him during the faculty meeting.

Mom:  I bet he's shy and that provost embarrassed him.

Me: So he said.

Mom:  Well, I understand how he feels.  My poor George. 

Me:  You know, I'd feel really good if the provost said nice things about me in a faculty meeting. 

Mom:  That will not happen; they know you too well.  They know you will get a big head.  Besides, you're never embarrassed.  Do you remember the big giant tin foil hat?  Do you remember that?

Me:  I was in junior high, Mom.

Mom:  Your poor sister.  I'll bet she has nightmares.

Me:  I looked cool.

Mom:  You did not look cool!  You wore a giant tin foil ball on the top of your head!

Me: It was hat day.  And it got my picture in the yearbook.

Mom:  Right there!  That is it!  You do not understand that that is what makes it worse. 

Me:  I don't understand.

Mom:  You know, if he weren't a Braves fan, I would go live with that George.  

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