Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Being a Bad Influence

Well, precious readers, my sister called to scold me for 1. not posting more often and 2. writing too many posts with sex and/or curse words, rendering them inappropriate for my beloved niece, Isabella.

(Hi, Isabella!  This post is for you.)

Ergo*, I decided to refrain from some of my more expressive vocabulary today. Yet I said to myself, "Self," [said I] "if you cannot be a bad influence on your niece, whom should you lead down a path of vice and debauchery**?"  The answer, of course, is obvious:  parents.

Now I assume that most of you, adorable readers, are familiar with the many web sites, and even discussion forums, recounting the terrible, terrible names that some parents are currently bestowing upon their children.   If you are not familiar with this example of the impending death of civilization, then I suggest this site, to bring yourselves up to date:

Yes, these names are bad. Some of them are very, very bad.  But, I ask myself, are they bad enough?  Is there some way to influence those who are willing to claim that the fact that a baby name is "unique" is a good thing rather than the probable source of future parricide*** to choose baby names that are actually worse than Apple, facebook, or Kal-El?

Challenge accepted.

Natalie's Suggestions for REALLY EXCITING Baby Names
 Suitable for Parents of the New Millenium

  1. Zxvtrk Parents seem fond of adding extra consonants to a child's name lately, so why not go all the way?  Since it's impossible to pronounce, you can get that disgusted look of superiority whenever someone has to make you spell it for them.
  2. Moist Possibly the most unpleasant word in the English language, you can claim that you were honoring the works of the great Terry Pratchett.  More people should honor the works of the great Terry Pratchett, so if Moist doesn't strike your fancy, consider Magrat instead.
  3. Aiselle It looks pretty and it's French; that obviously means that it's an excellent name for a child.
  4. Yersina pestis  For that future doctor in the family.
  5. MMXIV Why not commemorate the year of your child's birth in true Superbowl style?
  6. Muisyle  Did your best friend and your cousin ruin your dreams by naming their precious bundles Nevaeh?  Show them that you can not only spell backwards, but also remember that sixth grade unit on Greek mythology!
  7. Chrome.  Because Firefox is so 2008.
  8. Blue Rhinoceros Triangle This would be the best baby name ever.  Ever.
  9. Gazpacho To add to the terror of relatives who tell your child, "I could just eat you right up!"
  10. Hrothgar  I always suggest this name when my friends are pregnant, but they never use it.  Dudes, seriously, this would be a better world if it had more Hrothgars in it.
*Isabella, dear, ergo means therefore.  I use it because I am pretentious, which is a word meaning, "likes to show how smart she is." 

**Precious Isabella, debauchery is a word which means excessive indulgence in sensual pleasures like eating an entire box of thin mints in one sitting. 

***Sweet niece of mine, parricide is a word which means killing one's parents.  Please do not commit parricide, as your mother is the only person in the family who knows how to work my cell phone properly.  Also, it would be wrong.

1 comment:

  1. This is awesome. I'm not having more human children, but I pledge to name my dissertation Wealtheow MMXVI Elmes. Just for you. :P

    (I would name it Hrothgar MMXVI Elmes, but my dissertation will be female.)