I have a confession to make, precious readers: I hear voices.* Two voices, specifically. One of them is optimistic, always looking on the bright side of things, chirping around like a damn robin. The other is...not.
In times of stress, these voices become more passionate, more argumentative, and more likely to disturb me when I'm watching season 2 of the Sarah Jane Adventures.** To purge myself of their sniping, I am posting one of their dialogues to this blog. Feel free to heckle if the spirit moves you.
Voice A: "Woe unto me, for the dishwasher has sprung three leaks and ruined the kitchen floor!"
Voice B: "Rejoice and be glad! For I have homeowner's insurance!"
Voice A: "Woe unto me! The policy does not cover this, for, lo! a slow leak is a 'maintenance problem.'"
Voice B: "Rejoice and be glad, for the dishwasher is a mere three years old!"
Voice A: "Woe, serious woe! The warranty expired six months ago."
Voice B: "Rejoice and be glad, for we have an emergency fund!"
Voice A: "Woe unto me, for we will have it no longer!"
Voice B: "Rejoice and be glad, dammit, for we know a good plumber who charges a reasonable price!"
Voice A: "Woe unto me and unto that plumber, for he has died!"***
Voice B: "Rejoice and be glad, for my neighbors, the awesome ones, they have found a good contractor!"
Voice A: "Woe unto me, for good contractors are expensive!"
Voice B: "Rejoice and be glad, for I can (barely) afford him! And, lo! I didn't like that flooring in any case!"
Voice A: "Woe unto me, for I did like that dishwasher, dammit."
Voice B: "Rejoice and be glad, fool! There is a company that makes dishwashers that shut off when they leak!"
Voice A: "Oh, woe and more woe, for that dishwasher costs twice what I wish to pay!"
Voice B: "Rejoice and be glad, for it still costs less than a new floor!"
Voice A: "Woe unto savvy consumers, for this company receives mixed reviews on the internet!"
Voice B: "Okay, you have to rejoice and be glad about this one: that dishwasher has a utensil drawer which is Excessively Cool!"
Voice A: "Woe unto me, idiot, for that utensil drawer adds $100 to the price of that dishwasher!"
Voice B: "Rejoice and give thanks, for Mom, she desires that utensil drawer!"
Voice A: "Woe unto Mom, then, for she is not paying for that dishwasher!"
Voice B: "Er, you had better rejoice in that utensil drawer, or Mom will Kick Ass."
Voice A: "Woe unto me yet again, for I fear the ass-kicking from Mom, as a squirrel took me down not a day ago."
Voice B: "Rejoice and...wait, what?"
Voice A: "Woe, for he appeared out of nowhere, and I missed a step, and my ankle, oh painful woe! It was twisted!"
Voice B: "A squirrel? Seriously, you were injured by a squirrel?"
Voice A: "Lo! Where are your rejoicings and your commands to be glad now?! That squirrel has undone us both!"
Voice B: "Seriously?! You know, sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing in this brain with you, you know that? I mean a damn squirrel! I can't deal with this. I'm going to go watch Big Bang Theory."
Voice A: "Dude. It was a pretty vicious squirrel."
Voice B: "Shut up."
*No, I am not schizophrenic; I am an English professor, and I am laying a serious metaphor on you dudes. Watch now, there may be a quiz.
**The spinoff of Doctor Who that is not Torchwood. The one, that is, that you can't even pretend is for adults.
***He did die, and all three of us liked him, alas.