Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Joy and Woe (and Joy. And Woe.)

I have a confession to make, precious readers:  I hear voices.*  Two voices, specifically.  One of them is optimistic, always looking on the bright side of things, chirping around like a damn robin.  The other is...not.

In times of stress, these voices become more passionate, more argumentative, and more likely to disturb me when I'm watching season 2 of the Sarah Jane Adventures.**  To purge myself of their sniping, I am posting one of their dialogues to this blog.  Feel free to heckle if the spirit moves you.

Voice A:  "Woe unto me, for the dishwasher has sprung three leaks and ruined the kitchen floor!"

Voice B:  "Rejoice and be glad!  For I have homeowner's insurance!"

Voice A:  "Woe unto me!  The policy does not cover this, for, lo! a slow leak is a 'maintenance problem.'"

Voice B:  "Rejoice and be glad, for the dishwasher is a mere three years old!"

Voice A: "Woe, serious woe!  The warranty expired six months ago."

Voice B:  "Rejoice and be glad, for we have an emergency fund!"

Voice A:  "Woe unto me, for we will have it no longer!"

Voice B: "Rejoice and be glad, dammit, for we know a good plumber who charges a reasonable price!"

Voice A:  "Woe unto me and unto that plumber, for he has died!"***

Voice B:  "Rejoice and be glad, for my neighbors, the awesome ones, they have found a good contractor!"

Voice A:  "Woe unto me, for good contractors are expensive!"

Voice B:  "Rejoice and be glad, for I can (barely) afford him!  And, lo!  I didn't like that flooring in any case!"

Voice A:  "Woe unto me, for I did like that dishwasher, dammit."

Voice B:  "Rejoice and be glad, fool!  There is a company that makes dishwashers that shut off when they leak!"

Voice A:  "Oh, woe and more woe, for that dishwasher costs twice what I wish to pay!"

Voice B:  "Rejoice and be glad, for it still costs less than a new floor!"

Voice A:  "Woe unto savvy consumers, for this company receives mixed reviews on the internet!"

Voice B:  "Okay, you have to rejoice and be glad about this one:  that dishwasher has a utensil drawer which is Excessively Cool!"

Voice A: "Woe unto me, idiot, for that utensil drawer adds $100 to the price of that dishwasher!"

Voice B: "Rejoice and give thanks, for Mom, she desires that utensil drawer!"

Voice A:  "Woe unto Mom, then, for she is not paying for that dishwasher!"

Voice B:  "Er, you had better rejoice in that utensil drawer, or Mom will Kick Ass."

Voice A:  "Woe unto me yet again, for I fear the ass-kicking from Mom, as a squirrel took me down not a day ago."

Voice B:  "Rejoice and...wait, what?"

Voice A:  "Woe, for he appeared out of nowhere, and I missed a step, and my ankle, oh painful woe! It was twisted!"

Voice B:  "A squirrel?  Seriously, you were injured by a squirrel?"

Voice A:  "Lo!  Where are your rejoicings and your commands to be glad now?!  That squirrel has undone us both!"

Voice B:  "Seriously?!  You know, sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing in this brain with you, you know that?  I mean a damn squirrel!  I can't deal with this.  I'm going to go watch Big Bang Theory."

Voice A:  "Dude.  It was a pretty vicious squirrel."

Voice B:  "Shut up."


*No, I am not schizophrenic; I am an English professor, and I am laying a serious metaphor on you dudes.  Watch now, there may be a quiz.
**The spinoff of Doctor Who that is not Torchwood.  The one, that is, that you can't even pretend is for adults.
***He did die, and all three of us liked him, alas.

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