Mom: You said you cleaned up this room. What exactly did you clean up?
Me: See those books on the coffee table?
Mom: Yes, and they are still there!
Me: But now they're alphabetized.
Mom: I am going to beat you with both fists.
Mom: Why do you keep wrinkling my clothes?
Me: They come out of the dryer like that.
Mom: Only if you leave them in the dryer overnight.
Me: You could always iron them.
Mom: You could sh!t on a stick!
Mom: You are worrying the hell out of me.
Me: They are not going to fall.
Mom: You have four books and a cup of tea and a bunch of pens and a gradebook all balanced on top of one another...they are going to fall.
Me: Well, if they do, the books will still be alphabetized.
Mom: I will alphabetize your head!