Mom: "Listen. Are you listening? What are you doing?"
Me: "Well, I'm..."
Mom: "I don't care. Stop it, and listen. If you see Mike tomorrow, you tell him that I'm not mad at him about the game."
Me: "I'm sure that's his top concern right now: whether or not my mom is mad at him."
Mom: "Now, don't you start! My Mike sounded really depressed at the end of that football game, and he is blaming himself. He needs a nice message from me."
Me: "And your nice message is that you're not mad at him?"
Mom: "Yes. That will make him feel better. Also, tell him how much I like his cute hat."
Me: "His what?"
Mom: "His cute hat that he wears in the sun. Tell him that it makes him look sexy...ooohhh, I like that hat!"
Me: "Mom, Mike is a former marine. I do not think praising his cute hat is going to make him feel better about a loss."
Mom: "That's because you don't know nothin' about football!"