Friday, July 20, 2012

When "No thank you, please go away now" Doesn't Work

You know how sometimes an organization gets you on a phone list, determined to convince you to donate, no matter how many times you tell them "no"?  Well, Mom is on such a list.  Fortunately for her, she can now see who's calling her because a cool notice appears on the tv set with the number and person calling.  If she doesn't recognize the number, she just doesn't answer (which, by the way, is why she never answers my sister if she's calling from her cell phone...oops!).

Unfortunately for the organization involved, I pick up the phone quite regularly.

And phones can be fun.

Persistent Caller:  "Hello, may I speak to Mrs. Grinnell?"

Me:  "She's unavailable right now.  May I take a message?"

P.C.: "Is the gentleman of the family at home?"

Me:  "No, we're totally girl-on-girl in this family.  Except for the cat.  But the doctor cut off his testicles, so we let him stay.  How may I help you?"

P.C. "Um, well, I'm calling on behalf of Totally Bogus Charity; Mrs. Grinnell makes a regular donation."

Me: "Does she?  How nice.  But should you be telling me that?  I mean, doesn't that violate some rule or law or oath or something?"

P.C.:  "Ma'am, we'd just like to confirm that your household..."

Me:  "Yes, we live in a household.  It's quite nice.  I'll tell Mrs. Grinnell you called.  Buh-bye!"

<two days later>

P.C.:  "Hello, may I speak to Carolyn Grinnell?"

Me:  "No.  She's being punished."

P.C.:  "Excuse me?"

Me: "She's being punished.  She's not allowed to talk to any more strange men, even on the phone.  We're tired of bailing her out of jail.  Do you know how embarrassing it is to bail a senior citizen out of jail for moral turpitude?  You'll have to call back next month.  Buh-bye!"

<the very next day>

P.C.:  "Hello!  Mrs. Grinnell?"

Me:  "No.  Oh God.  What's she done now?"

P.C.:  "She's been a generous contributor to Totally Bogus Charity, and we're calling about her annual donation!"

Me: "Are you the guy with the alpaca?  I'm sorry, but we're not taking it, no matter what she told you?"

P.C.:  "Could I speak to Mrs. Grinnell, Ma'am?"

Me:  "No!  No more wildlife!  Just go away.  I'm still trying to figure out what to do with the giraffe.  Good day!"


P.C.:  "Hello!  May I speak with Mrs. Grinnell, please?"

Me: "I'm afraid there's been a rash of burglaries in our neighborhood."

P.C.:  "I'm sorry to hear that, Ma'am.  Did you lose a great deal?"

Me:  "Oh no, they didn't hit us.  But she's found that damn cape, and she's off into the night with the power ring and thermos of hot tea, but she left the damn cell phone behind again, and who's going to wash the blood off of her boots this time, I ask you?  Me, that's who.  It's always me, and I thought having an old woman come live with me would be relaxing.  Quiz shows and the weather channel, right?  Wrong!  I blame it on those radio serials, Flash Gordon and the Shadow; that whole generation is completely warped.  You have a nice day, now.  I have an entire load of tights to wash before morning."

Okay, so I wrote that one out before he called and left it by the phone just in case.  Is that cheating?

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