Monday, July 30, 2012

Messages from the Newark Airport

Hello, beloved readers.  I've missed you all so very desperately.  I spent the last week at a wonderful seminar on Ancient Greek drama in Washington, D.C., and I had to spend all of my leisure time downloading information from my brain into an external hard drive to prevent a complete meltdown of my cognitive functions.

And then I had to fly home.  Through Newark.  As most of you who follow me on facebook already know, it did not go well.  For your amusement, I have compiled the texts and facebook entries I sent out yesterday into a more or less coherent narrative.  Enjoy.

2:20 pm: "Two for two on delayed flights. And why is Newark airport so damn loud?"

2:35 pm: “Ugh.  A two-year old just vomited half-digested blueberries all over me in the Newark Airport!  Had to throw away shirt.”

2:45 pm: "Parents offered (to buy me a new shirt), but everything is too ugly. Flight delayed another half hour. Please send TARDIS!"

3:07 pm: “Sitting on the floor with a 2-hour delay, wearing spare shirt, smelling like vomit.  Flashback to undergrad frat party.

3:15 pm: "Saw large blue box in the distance...only Jet Blue kioske. Not TARDIS. Devastated. Flight delayed a third time."

3: 28 pm: "Hating smug Moncton passengers with their on-time departure. Also, I have never heard of Moncton. Am I at the interstellar concourse?!"

3:44 pm: "Flipflops are even uglier in airports. Should be banned for passengers over 3 years old. Stank feet everywhere."

4:03 pm: “Kitty in carrier just vomited and missed my shoes by inches!  Too much vomit in this airport!  Plague?”

4:46 pm: [Text sent to my friend, Carol] “If I die of old age in this airport, you may have my metal chicken.”

4:50 pm:  "See pic?  Also not TARDIS. Too short. Airport just messing with me now."

4:58 pm: "Delay number 4. Expecting Godot to show up any time now. And vomit."

5:11 pm: “Slid through a puddle of pee in the restroom, but managed not to fall down.  Yeh?”

5:20 pm: "Children whirling around in my new home, gate 20, Newark Airport.  Expecting vomit any minute now."  [Note:  although they bumped into people and fell over, these children did not vomit.]

5:26 pm: "I see... A plane. Is it for me? Will it take me home?! It could be....!"

9:oo pm, 7 hours after anticipated arrival: "Hot shower, red wine, and a warm kitty. Home at last."

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