April 16: Today was bright, and I was able to nap in the sunbeam in front of the door to the domicile. That allowed me to witness several humans leaving packages on the front porch. All of these humans wore masks. While I appreciate the effort, even with face coverings, humans are graceless and ugly compared to cats.
April 17: the human attempted to convince Spike and me that we had to walk only on pillows scattered across the living room "to avoid stepping in the burning lava!" She grew quite alarmed when we did not play this ridiculous game. I thought about indulging her. Then I thought again.
April 18: I do not know who Billie Jean is or why she demands the "moonwalk," but if I meet her, I will vomit a hairball onto her shoes. My human, incidentally, now appears to be limping.
April 19: Today was a relaxing day except for the half-hour lecture the human gave me on the uses and misuses of the apostrophe, a subject both tedious and unnecessary for an evolved creature such as myself. I have to admit to being surprised that this sort of thing passes for knowledge among humans.
April 20: the human engaged in something called a "primal scream" today. I engaged in clawing the bedroom drapes in response.
April 21: Spike incurred the wrath of the human today by standing in a bowl of pasta sauce to more effectively steal cheese. After a bath in the sink <shudder> the hair dryer was inflicted upon him. It did not go well. During all of this chaos, I, of course, ate the cheese.
April 22: the human heard something on the loud screen today and kept typing "face masks for cats" into the cat warming device and promising to protect us from the apocalypse. She was twenty minutes late with my dinner, however.
April 23: the human "sang" the song "Danger Zone" by the execrable Kenny Loggins in preparation for rolling the garbage can to the curb. I am giving her my butt for the rest of the evening.
April 24: last night, when she SHOULD have been asleep, the human began stalking back and forth, pausing only to floridly display a single claw on each hand. This is a hostile gesture among her kind, here aimed at someone recommending "lysol injections" and "uv light to fight viruses." Today, I persuaded Spike to nap ostentatiously in a sunbeam, just to mess with her.
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