Mom to Waitress: "Oh, you poor sweet baby! Mice got into your closet and chewed holes in your jeans!"
Me: <cringe and attempt to activate cloaking device>
Mom <not using her inside voice>: "You know, I look better in my t-shirt than she does."
Me: "Mom! That's rude!"
Mom: "It's true, though."
Me: "Why do you think you look better in that shirt than she does?"
Mom: "Because I have big boobs."
Waitress: "That's okay, she's still my favorite."
Me: "I do not understand."
Mom: "What's to understand? I'm wonderful. And I have big boobs."