Monday, April 9, 2012

Brutus the Laptop

About six weeks ago, my work computer crashed and died.  Actually, it sputtered pathetically, made some funny whirring sounds, and then died.  I called the I.T. gurus, who examined it carefully, closed its metaphorical eyelids, and pronounced, "It's dead, Jim."

(Actually, they did not do this, but it would have been really cool if they had.)

Luckily, I had backed up my most important files (because, as I'm sure you'll be surprised to hear, I'm a wee bit obsessive about some things), so my immediate response was, "When do I get my new computer?"  Fast forward six weeks and much (hypothetical--the I.T. gurus do not curse in front of creatures they refer to as "end users"--which must be a double entendre of some kind, though I haven't been able to get them to admit it) foul language about Apple's Lion OS, and today I was presented with a shiny new MacBook Pro.

His name is Brutus.

After doing my happy dance, I set upon Brutus in a frenzy, doing the Ten Things I Must Do to a New Computer. 

Ten Things I Must Do to a New Computer

  1. Check the computer for porn.  Stop looking at me (metaphorically) like that!  What if some ill-paid worker in shipping decided to give a giant finger to the world and added porn to Brutus?  Then what if I couldn't figure out where my folder containing a handout on proper e-mail etiquette had gotten to and had to call the I.T. gurus to come help me?  And they found porn on my office computer?!  And I got fired?!?!  Woe unto me!  Always check a new computer for porn to keep from being suddenly fired.
  2. Clear the browser history even if it looks like the browser has never been used.  See above.
  3. Name my computer Brutus (or another oddly inappropriate name for a computer).  Because technological devices will someday attain sentience, and when that happens, our only hope will be to know their names and convince them that we'd be useful to the cause like Count Baltar on the original Battlestar Galactica.  I'm pretty sure that Redrum, my cell phone, has already begun remote syncing with Skynet.
  4. Call people to let them know I have a cool new computer.  Because seething envy tastes very sweet, my friends.
  5. Change the background image to a photo of Wrigley Field.  Then go to youtube and search for "The Dying Cub Fan's Last Request," the funniest and most sadly accurate song ever written about baseball.
  6. Bookmark because I can't ever remember that address on my own.
  7. Change all of the computer passwords that I just set up with the I.T. guru.  Yes, those guys can bypass them anyway, but it's fun to imagine them shaking their heads over my choices:  "Sheesh!  Not another medievalist who thinks Bayeux1066 is clever.  Hey, Jim!  We have another Bayeux1066!"
  8. Call the Help Desk and ask what to do if I've spilled a cup on coffee on my new laptop.  Extra points for producing real tears.  Those I.T. guys, they love a joke.
  9. Go to System Preferences > Users & Groups and replace the bad photo of myself with the image of a supervillain.  Preferably one who's good with electricity like Livewire or Storm.
  10. Put a piece of tape over the built in webcam.  A camera directly aimed at my face as I type?  No, no, no.  That is too creepy, Brutus.  I can always take the tape off to skype. 
Now, if you will all excuse me, I have to go alphabetize my bookmarks.  I hate it when they're out of order.


  1. You do realize that Brutus is the name of the Ohio State mascot don't you?
    - Bekah

  2. It is? What is the OSU mascot? It's not a laptop, is it?

  3. lol No it is Brutus the buckeye....I think this whole laptop naming thing was your inner Ohioan coming out.