How to Hug Your Medievalist

I am happy to report, beloved readers, that I had a wonderful International Hug-a-Medievalist Day on March 31 this year.  I received all sorts of hugs, from the virtual to awkward to the snuggly.  There were, alas, a few doubters around me who thought I was making up the whole thing in some kind of sad cry for affection, and I was forced to forward electronic evidence as to this holiday's existence to these barbarians, but overall it was a very successful day.

Nevertheless, my colleague at another institution, Brian, pointed out that he cannot expect hugs from his students because his institution deeply discourages touching of any kind between professor and student.  And that Brian, he has a point.  I should have noted that I do not ask, beg, encourage or imply that my students should hug me on International Hug-a-Medievalist Day.  Yet, well, some of them do it anyway, and were I to refuse, it would shatter their precious hearts.  Moreover, there is the whole question of hugs from administrators and pottery instructors and British people and others who find the impulse to wrap one's arms around someone uncomfortable or even downright suspicious.

So I have created this table, my dears, to explain how and when to hug your local medievalist.  It is my hope that using these simple guidelines, you will be able to avoid awkwardness or inadvertent charges of sexual harassment next March 31.

How to Hug Your Local Medievalist:  A Helpful Table for the Uninformed

You are a:	May you hug your local medievalist?	How?	Exceptions:
Family member	Damned right!	With love and affection	You owe your local medievalist money
Close friend	Not only may, but must	Briefly, but fully	You have not bathed today
Casual friend	You may	While making an awkward joke	You have issues
Fellow medievalist	Enthusiastically!	While making a joke in an archaic language	You are an art historian
Student	Only if you are completely comfortable doing so (and not drunk)	Virtual hug preferred; side-hug, Duggar-style, may be acceptable	You cannot spell medievalist
Colleague	You may	In public, so that no one gets the wrong idea	You are that creepy guy
Dean, provost or others of that ilk	Only with care, discretion and fake cheerfulness	Side-hug, preferably while holding a mug of coffee	You are about to assign the medievalist to the Committee from Hell
Former student	There’s no law against it	Virtually	You gave him/her a bad rating on the Site That Shall Not Be Named
Beowulf	If your uncle’s father was an ally to the medievalist’s grandfather…yes	Gently	You sometimes forget to let go of other people’s body parts
Cat	You may.  But you won’t.	With claws in and a long-suffering look	You are a cat.