Next Year's Questions For New Students

I spent this evening at the second of two dessert receptions for incoming first-year students at Wofford.  Only a few faculty members attend these events, given the exciting alternatives (European vacations, time with family, frantically searching the internet for new Hobbit trailers, etc), but I always show up.  After all, we're talking about free dessert here.

The problem with the reception, however, is that it's hard to think of something interesting to ask the students and their parents.  Most of the faculty and staff wander around asking the following:

• Where are you from?
• What do you think you'd like to major in?
• How's your summer going?
• Why did you choose Wofford?
• Any questions?

And the poor students end up answering the first four questions over and over again, which has to be kind of uncomfortable.  So as I soothe my throat with some kind of terrible hot tea (never brew tea when you can no longer tell what flavor it was ten years ago when you bought it), it occurs to me that the whole thing would be more fun if I asked more interesting questions, questions designed to make the evening...memorable.

Questions I'm Going to Ask at Next Summer's Dessert Receptions

1. On a scale of 1-10 how much cuter are my shoes than the ones the dean is wearing?
2. So, what are you thinking of getting pierced after your parents drop you off this fall?
3. If calculus were a reality show star, would it be a Real Housewife or a member of the Jersey Shore cast?  Take a sip of water while you think of an answer.
4. How's your Middle English accent?
5. Hey, who wants to have a flash mob during opening convocation?  The college president will be totally into it.
6. Remember when you were thirteen and told your parents that you'd hate them forever?  How much do you think that's going to cost you when you phone home to ask for money?
7. How do you feel about the new campus-wide cell phone ban?  Be honest.
8. If the Geico gecko died, would it be fair to hire a new gecko?  Or should they just bring in a pot bellied pig?
9. What would you do if you came home for Christmas break and found a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey in your mother's nightstand? 
10. Any interest in becoming my minion?  You get your own mask.