But At Least I Got the Wine Out of the Sheets

I believe my beloved friend, Michelle, has appeared previously on this blog, loyal readers, but I doubt you all understand just how important she is in my life.  Here is a transcript of a recent conversation we had by personal message during the wee hours on the night.  I shall warn you all that there is a bit of bad language herein; sometimes, gentle readers, it's unavoidable.

Me: On another topic, do you know how to get red wine out of white sheets?

Michelle: How long ago did the wine thing happen? Is it still wet? So...that makes a difference in how you treat the stain, you know.

Me: Yes, still wet!  

Michelle:   Okay. You can try salt. Pour it on, rub gently. Rinse with seltzer water or club soda. Do that twice. Blot gently with paper towels in between. Then make a paste of baking soda and seltzer and let it sit for awhile. Rinse repeat.  

Me: Okay. But I didn't have seltzer, so I used tonic water. Also, now I have to clean up the box of baking soda that I dropped all over the kitchen floor. Good thing Mom is asleep.  

Michelle: Um...how drunk are you? And did it work? Or do you need emergency methods #3 & #4?  

Me: I am not drunk at all because I spilled my whole glass of wine on the sheets and didn't even get a sip! All I had tonight was coffee...The wine has come out like a miracle! You are an awesome wonder!  

Michelle: I told you guys before: I really do know everything.  [Editor's note:  this is almost entirely true.  The exception is Doctor Who.  Michelle does not know much about Doctor Who.  It is a sad flaw in her perfection.]

Me: But when I used the dust buster on the baking soda, it overheated and started sparking and stuff.  

Michelle: lol--Wait, what? You did NOT use a dustbuster on damp baking soda??!! Natalie.  NO.  

Me: Um, should I not have done that?  Now I will have to go buy a new dustbuster tomorrow.  

Michelle: Ack! No. You can't vacuum up damp, clumpy baking soda with a dustbuster. The engine doesn't have enough power to handle that.  

Me: Well, the swiffer is just pushing it around. This is very bad. Mom is going to kill me.  

Michelle: LET IT DRY! Then sweep it up. Did you not take chemistry?  

Me: [anecdotes here about me taking chemistry firmly deleted]

Michelle:   Sweep it up with a broom, btw, not anything else.

Me:  Okay. But now I must plot to keep mom out of the kitchen until it dries. This may involve sleeping on the couch to monitor her movements. On the up side, the front of the fridge is very clean where I wiped it off.

Me again:   Oh fuck.  

Michelle:   Oh fuck what? 

Me:  Um. I do not want to tell you.

Michelle: Seriously, what.  

Me:   I put a fan aimed at the kitchen floor to dry the baking soda, and I think I turned it on too high. Oh. This is much worse.

Michelle:  YOU USED A FAN? NATALIE, WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!

JUST LET IT AIR DRY.

Baking soda is simply sodium bicarbonate (NaHCO3). You can just let it sit around until it dries with no harm done. Unless you moronically blow it everywhere or try to suck it up without a wetvac.

Me:  Well, Mom is awake now. Apparently, Spike jumped into her bed with baking soda all over his fur. I am in deep shit.

Michelle: Dude.

Me: But at least I got the wine out of the sheets. 

My June 26, 2015 Facebook Feed Summarized

Ecstatic People Celebrating:  "Woo-hoo!  I can't believe it!  I am weeping with joy!"

More Ecstatic People Celebrating: "Here are some links to the Supreme Court's decision!  Lots gobbedy-goop, and then Moving Sentences of Freedom and Understanding and I Do Not Have Enough People to Hug!"

Grumpity Voice:  "SCOTUS is out of control.  The Chief Justice is not smart, and I don't like him."

Even More Ecstatic People Celebrating: "Look!  Cats on the Internet Celebrating Gay Marriage!  Now the Internet Has Everything!"

Ecstatic People Celebrating Movingly:  "I have just proposed!  Who is coming to my wedding?  Oh frabjous day!"

Grumpity Voice:  "I will quote Cicero at you.  Don't you understand natural law?"

Yet More Ecstatic People Celebrating:  "Rainbow images!  More rainbow images!  Where is George Takei's page?  Rainbow dyed kittens!"

Grumpity Voice:  "You should ask hippies about freedom and marriage."

All of the Ecstatic People Celebrating: "Wait, what?"

Grumpity Voice:  "Read Scalia: marriage is about sacred bondage."

Kind, Ecstatic People Celebrating: "We are so happy that we will ignore that!  You can read Fifty Shades of Grey if you want!  Here we have many shades of the rainbow!  Oh how long we have waited for this day!"

Grumpity Voice:  "I suppose it was inevitable.  Society is crumbling.  I am going to go over here and contemplate eternity for a while."

Ecstatic People Celebrating and Laughing and Crying All at Once:  "The vice president is wearing a rainbow flag as a cape and zooming all over the place like a madman!  I love this country!"

Grumpity Voice:  "Now everything is legal.  People will marry their own children.  Or siblings.  Or pets.  Or office furniture.  'Hello, George, this is my wife, Stapler.'"

Ecstatic and Bemused People Celebrating :  "You are losing your mind, aren't you?  Come here.  We will give you a hug."

Grumpity Voice:  "This is pure applesauce!"

Ecstatic People Celebrating:  "It is the applesauce of love, my friend, the applesauce of love."

Gnat's Idiosyncratic Acronym Interpretations (GIAI)

Greetings, oh readers of mine!  I have not, whatever your private hopes might have suggested, disappeared.  In fact, I have been spending all too much time on the internets this last month, and it occurred to me that, though I appear to be reading the same pages and blogs and messages as the rest of you, I am not always reading them in the same way.  You see, I have this problem, probably caused by a really intense unit on the presidency of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR) in high school history class: I cannot seem to remember what acronyms stand for.  When I first ventured forth upon the web, I dutifully looked up the clusters of capital letters in my handy Internet for Dummies book, but though the google has rendered that much used tome obsolete, I have yet to learn many acronyms.

Since spelling things out in all of my posts and texts and random comments has not, to my immense surprise and disappointment, encouraged emulation (and, in some cases, such as the use of a semi-colon in a text message, actually provoked condescension and disdain), I have taken to creating my own interpretations of the acronyms thrust upon me daily.

Now I know, brilliant readers, that you all understand the abbreviated language of the cyber universe, but just in case I ever respond to you somewhat oddly, I have compiled a convenient list of my personal interpretations of the vexing new speech I must patiently endure.  Enjoy.

• BAMF:  bears ahead, move frantically! I always appreciate the warning.
• BFF:  better fast forward An indication that I should just ignore whatever follows.
• DH: desperately hovering I suppose most hovering occurs in desperation.  I mean, if you really think about it.
• EVA: especially vacant announcement Unfortunately, this information usually follows, rather than precedes, the announcement in question.
• EZ: eastbound zebra 
• F2F: Fedora II: the Facsimile If you find a copy, please let me know.  My colleague Jeremy would, I think, enjoy it.
• FFS: futilely footnoting something *
• FML: fairly minor luncheon Go ahead and skip it if you have a lot of grading to do.
• FTW: focus on the weasel An important life lesson.
• GIRL: giraffe in real life And probably laughing at your misuse of punctuation.
• H8: You sunk my battleship! 
• IDK: I don't knit Good to know.
• IDC: I do crochet Also, good to know.  But do you do yard work?
• IIRC: if I rashly comment We both know that you will, but I always appreciate the warning.
• IMHO: in my hovercraft, observing Exactly where I intend to be when the Squirrel Apocalypse comes
• IRL: irritating rationalization launched If it does not save one the chore of shooting it down, one must still be grateful for the improvement in one's aim
• LOL: lingering over linguini 
• LMFAO: longing morosely for another overcoat Mostly because of the strange scent carried by this one.
• OMG: open my garage! The frequency of this particular acronym suggests that garage door openers are based upon seriously faulty technology
• MYOB: misinterpret your own books Would that many an internet critic followed this sound advice!
• NSFW: not a squirrel-free wavelength Be careful what you post; they are listening.
• NOOB: No oscillation overthruster backstage! Thank goodness.  They are a consistent source of trouble.  And alien invasion. 
• PWN: previously was a newt [got better] 
• ROTFL: rotating on my favorite limb 
• STFU: Squirrels triggered!  Flee urgently!
• TL;DR: too late, drink rum!  Your only resort if you did not escape the squirrels.
• TMI:  this mostly ignored So you really don't need to give any more detail.
• TTC: tentatively taunting chipmunks Not a wise decision, from my point of view.
• TTYL: TARDIS thrumming—yell loudly And run.
• YMMV: cookies! 

*Most footnotes are, alas, futile. 

Being Interesting

My Doctor:  "Well, everything looks good.  Do you have any concerns?"

Me:  "I did hear about this thing called a thundershirt, and I wondered if they make them for people."

My Doctor:  "What is a thundershirt?"

Me:  "It's this shirt that you put on dogs to make them less anxious during thunderstorms.  Ever since the giant poplar tree fell on my house, I get very upset during thunderstorms.  So I am thinking that I could use a shirt like that."

My Doctor:  "There are meds you can take, but unless this is causing genuine panic attacks..."

Me:  "No, no!  I want a thundershirt.  It's supposed to reduce anxiety without meds, plus I could yell at the sky and say, 'You can't get me!  I'm wearing a thundershirt!'"

My Doctor:  "Why don't you just take an old t-shirt and write thundershirt on it with a sharpie?  Then you can shout all you like."

Me:  "You know, that is not a bad idea at all.  You're a better doctor than I thought you were."

My Doctor:  "You are a very interesting patient.  Very interesting."

A Grumpity and Spiteful List of Words

Ah, gentle readers, today I am feeling...hmmm...grumpity.  Yes, grumpity is the word, and a lovely, cute-yet-rugged word it is, in my opinion.  Which is what matters.  On this blog, anyway.

Many things have made me grumpity, from lack of sleep, to people whining on the internet, to a bird building a nest and laying eggs in my work boots, and so I have decided to share my grumpitiness with you, precious ones, in the form of a list of words that get my dander up.  My justifications for disliking these words are entirely arbitrary and somewhat spiteful, so I'm not trying to make a political statement with my list.  It's just a grumpity, spiteful list.  I thoroughly expect you to ignore it and persist in abusing the English language in your own special ways.

Words That I Hate and Make Me Feel Grumpity and Spiteful

1. Webinar.  If I get an email with the word webinar in it, I will delete it automatically.  I cannot control this reaction.  It's like swatting a fly.
2. Reference (used as a verb).  There are two perfectly good verbs for what you need: refer (which is apparently really difficult to use as it requires a preposition) and allude.  Try them out.  Please.
3. Basic (when used as an insult to describe someone's clothes or style).  When you use this word, you make me feel old and grumpity because no matter how many times I look it up in the urban dictionary, I still can't figure out what you mean.
4. Matchy.  Or worse yet, matchy-matchy.  Look, if the clothes do not actually clash with one another, then they're fine.  I cannot deal with the idea that they must neither clash nor match; that's obviously insane.
5. Da real mvp.  Because I know damned well that you're not even a baseball fan.  Cut it out.
6. Talk to meaning "have sex with."  Okay, what is wrong with you all?  Talking to people is good.  You're supposed to talk to people.  It's how you form a community.  When you start freaking out because your boyfriend talked to another girl (or boy), I start wondering what kind of creepy relationship you're expecting.  And that makes me confused and grumpity.  Let's find another euphemism--how about scrump?  "I can't believe my girlfriend scrumped another guy!" is a much more powerful and effective sentence, don't you agree?  Good.  I'm glad we had this little talk.
7. Target pronounced "tar-jhay."  I don't believe I need to explain this one.  It's like calling U.P.S. "ups." If you are in the habit of doing either of these things, I hope that squirrels bite off all of your fingernails.
8. Breasteses.  You appear to have some extra s's; lend them to me for Words with Friends, and I won't have my minions strangle you in your sleep.
9. Butthurt.  I think this is intended to dismiss the fact that someone has actually had his feelings hurt.  Or that he actually has feelings.  Either way, it's sexist, homophobic, and contains too many t's.
10. Mouthfeel.  I don't know, and I don't want to know.

______________

Words That Make My Friends, Aquaintences and Random Readers

 of this Blog Grumpity

I am adding this section, beloved readers, because you all have begun to post, email and shout other objectionable words at me, and, well, I agree with every single one of them.  So here are your grumpity-making words, plus my spiteful comments upon them.

1. Cray-cray.  My brilliant and insightful friend Michelle protests this word, asking, "What is the infantile fascination with reduplication lately?"  I do not know the answer to that, Michelle, but I share your dismay.
2. Mouthgasm.  Also suggested by that Michelle.  Please imagine me covering my eyes and turning away in terror.
3. Relatable.  Submitted by my brand new friend and fellow Whovian, Cate.  Obviously, everything in the universe relates to everything else, rendering this word nonsense on both a macroscopic and a subatomic level. 
4. Retarded, et al.  My friend and former student Brian suggests that retarded, gay, bipolar, and other words of that ilk make him cringe, as, indeed, they do all civilized people who prefer not to denigrate entire groups of people to get a laugh or use outmoded semi-scientific language to describe other human beings.  Now, of course, that Brian does not mean that one ought not say, "By the way, I am gay" or "feeding the cat beer retarded his growth," so do not inundate me with protests of that nature.  Just stop using words that make you sound like an asshat, and we won't conclude that you're an asshat--deal?
5. Impact(ful). My friend Brandi claims that the abuse of impact makes her grumpity. Meteorites have an impact, and wisdom teeth become impacted. Pretty much everything else affects something, has an effect, or is affected by something. I will admit that impact does not make me particularly grumpity, but the word impactful makes me bleed from eyes and ears alike.
6. Takeaway.  Beloved Amelia submits takeaway which should only be used when talking about buying food and eating it elsewhere or when referring to a sporting play.  This means that my takeaway from a boring seminar is usually a bad cup of coffee, not whatever appeared on a badly conceived powerpoint slide.
7. Onboarding.  Liz suggests this horror of a word which, as Amelia suggests, sounds like a new sort of torture, probably introduced by a Certain Airline Company which is definitely not called Alpha or Beta.