Gnat's Idiosyncratic Acronym Interpretations (GIAI)

Greetings, oh readers of mine!  I have not, whatever your private hopes might have suggested, disappeared.  In fact, I have been spending all too much time on the internets this last month, and it occurred to me that, though I appear to be reading the same pages and blogs and messages as the rest of you, I am not always reading them in the same way.  You see, I have this problem, probably caused by a really intense unit on the presidency of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR) in high school history class: I cannot seem to remember what acronyms stand for.  When I first ventured forth upon the web, I dutifully looked up the clusters of capital letters in my handy Internet for Dummies book, but though the google has rendered that much used tome obsolete, I have yet to learn many acronyms.

Since spelling things out in all of my posts and texts and random comments has not, to my immense surprise and disappointment, encouraged emulation (and, in some cases, such as the use of a semi-colon in a text message, actually provoked condescension and disdain), I have taken to creating my own interpretations of the acronyms thrust upon me daily.

Now I know, brilliant readers, that you all understand the abbreviated language of the cyber universe, but just in case I ever respond to you somewhat oddly, I have compiled a convenient list of my personal interpretations of the vexing new speech I must patiently endure.  Enjoy.

• BAMF:  bears ahead, move frantically! I always appreciate the warning.
• BFF:  better fast forward An indication that I should just ignore whatever follows.
• DH: desperately hovering I suppose most hovering occurs in desperation.  I mean, if you really think about it.
• EVA: especially vacant announcement Unfortunately, this information usually follows, rather than precedes, the announcement in question.
• EZ: eastbound zebra 
• F2F: Fedora II: the Facsimile If you find a copy, please let me know.  My colleague Jeremy would, I think, enjoy it.
• FFS: futilely footnoting something *
• FML: fairly minor luncheon Go ahead and skip it if you have a lot of grading to do.
• FTW: focus on the weasel An important life lesson.
• GIRL: giraffe in real life And probably laughing at your misuse of punctuation.
• H8: You sunk my battleship! 
• IDK: I don't knit Good to know.
• IDC: I do crochet Also, good to know.  But do you do yard work?
• IIRC: if I rashly comment We both know that you will, but I always appreciate the warning.
• IMHO: in my hovercraft, observing Exactly where I intend to be when the Squirrel Apocalypse comes
• IRL: irritating rationalization launched If it does not save one the chore of shooting it down, one must still be grateful for the improvement in one's aim
• LOL: lingering over linguini 
• LMFAO: longing morosely for another overcoat Mostly because of the strange scent carried by this one.
• OMG: open my garage! The frequency of this particular acronym suggests that garage door openers are based upon seriously faulty technology
• MYOB: misinterpret your own books Would that many an internet critic followed this sound advice!
• NSFW: not a squirrel-free wavelength Be careful what you post; they are listening.
• NOOB: No oscillation overthruster backstage! Thank goodness.  They are a consistent source of trouble.  And alien invasion. 
• PWN: previously was a newt [got better] 
• ROTFL: rotating on my favorite limb 
• STFU: Squirrels triggered!  Flee urgently!
• TL;DR: too late, drink rum!  Your only resort if you did not escape the squirrels.
• TMI:  this mostly ignored So you really don't need to give any more detail.
• TTC: tentatively taunting chipmunks Not a wise decision, from my point of view.
• TTYL: TARDIS thrumming—yell loudly And run.
• YMMV: cookies! 

*Most footnotes are, alas, futile.