But At Least I Got the Wine Out of the Sheets

I believe my beloved friend, Michelle, has appeared previously on this blog, loyal readers, but I doubt you all understand just how important she is in my life.  Here is a transcript of a recent conversation we had by personal message during the wee hours on the night.  I shall warn you all that there is a bit of bad language herein; sometimes, gentle readers, it's unavoidable.

Me: On another topic, do you know how to get red wine out of white sheets?

Michelle: How long ago did the wine thing happen? Is it still wet? So...that makes a difference in how you treat the stain, you know.

Me: Yes, still wet!  

Michelle:   Okay. You can try salt. Pour it on, rub gently. Rinse with seltzer water or club soda. Do that twice. Blot gently with paper towels in between. Then make a paste of baking soda and seltzer and let it sit for awhile. Rinse repeat.  

Me: Okay. But I didn't have seltzer, so I used tonic water. Also, now I have to clean up the box of baking soda that I dropped all over the kitchen floor. Good thing Mom is asleep.  

Michelle: Um...how drunk are you? And did it work? Or do you need emergency methods #3 & #4?  

Me: I am not drunk at all because I spilled my whole glass of wine on the sheets and didn't even get a sip! All I had tonight was coffee...The wine has come out like a miracle! You are an awesome wonder!  

Michelle: I told you guys before: I really do know everything.  [Editor's note:  this is almost entirely true.  The exception is Doctor Who.  Michelle does not know much about Doctor Who.  It is a sad flaw in her perfection.]

Me: But when I used the dust buster on the baking soda, it overheated and started sparking and stuff.  

Michelle: lol--Wait, what? You did NOT use a dustbuster on damp baking soda??!! Natalie.  NO.  

Me: Um, should I not have done that?  Now I will have to go buy a new dustbuster tomorrow.  

Michelle: Ack! No. You can't vacuum up damp, clumpy baking soda with a dustbuster. The engine doesn't have enough power to handle that.  

Me: Well, the swiffer is just pushing it around. This is very bad. Mom is going to kill me.  

Michelle: LET IT DRY! Then sweep it up. Did you not take chemistry?  

Me: [anecdotes here about me taking chemistry firmly deleted]

Michelle:   Sweep it up with a broom, btw, not anything else.

Me:  Okay. But now I must plot to keep mom out of the kitchen until it dries. This may involve sleeping on the couch to monitor her movements. On the up side, the front of the fridge is very clean where I wiped it off.

Me again:   Oh fuck.  

Michelle:   Oh fuck what? 

Me:  Um. I do not want to tell you.

Michelle: Seriously, what.  

Me:   I put a fan aimed at the kitchen floor to dry the baking soda, and I think I turned it on too high. Oh. This is much worse.

Michelle:  YOU USED A FAN? NATALIE, WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!

JUST LET IT AIR DRY.

Baking soda is simply sodium bicarbonate (NaHCO3). You can just let it sit around until it dries with no harm done. Unless you moronically blow it everywhere or try to suck it up without a wetvac.

Me:  Well, Mom is awake now. Apparently, Spike jumped into her bed with baking soda all over his fur. I am in deep shit.

Michelle: Dude.

Me: But at least I got the wine out of the sheets. 

My June 26, 2015 Facebook Feed Summarized

Ecstatic People Celebrating:  "Woo-hoo!  I can't believe it!  I am weeping with joy!"

More Ecstatic People Celebrating: "Here are some links to the Supreme Court's decision!  Lots gobbedy-goop, and then Moving Sentences of Freedom and Understanding and I Do Not Have Enough People to Hug!"

Grumpity Voice:  "SCOTUS is out of control.  The Chief Justice is not smart, and I don't like him."

Even More Ecstatic People Celebrating: "Look!  Cats on the Internet Celebrating Gay Marriage!  Now the Internet Has Everything!"

Ecstatic People Celebrating Movingly:  "I have just proposed!  Who is coming to my wedding?  Oh frabjous day!"

Grumpity Voice:  "I will quote Cicero at you.  Don't you understand natural law?"

Yet More Ecstatic People Celebrating:  "Rainbow images!  More rainbow images!  Where is George Takei's page?  Rainbow dyed kittens!"

Grumpity Voice:  "You should ask hippies about freedom and marriage."

All of the Ecstatic People Celebrating: "Wait, what?"

Grumpity Voice:  "Read Scalia: marriage is about sacred bondage."

Kind, Ecstatic People Celebrating: "We are so happy that we will ignore that!  You can read Fifty Shades of Grey if you want!  Here we have many shades of the rainbow!  Oh how long we have waited for this day!"

Grumpity Voice:  "I suppose it was inevitable.  Society is crumbling.  I am going to go over here and contemplate eternity for a while."

Ecstatic People Celebrating and Laughing and Crying All at Once:  "The vice president is wearing a rainbow flag as a cape and zooming all over the place like a madman!  I love this country!"

Grumpity Voice:  "Now everything is legal.  People will marry their own children.  Or siblings.  Or pets.  Or office furniture.  'Hello, George, this is my wife, Stapler.'"

Ecstatic and Bemused People Celebrating :  "You are losing your mind, aren't you?  Come here.  We will give you a hug."

Grumpity Voice:  "This is pure applesauce!"

Ecstatic People Celebrating:  "It is the applesauce of love, my friend, the applesauce of love."

Gnat's Idiosyncratic Acronym Interpretations (GIAI)

Greetings, oh readers of mine!  I have not, whatever your private hopes might have suggested, disappeared.  In fact, I have been spending all too much time on the internets this last month, and it occurred to me that, though I appear to be reading the same pages and blogs and messages as the rest of you, I am not always reading them in the same way.  You see, I have this problem, probably caused by a really intense unit on the presidency of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR) in high school history class: I cannot seem to remember what acronyms stand for.  When I first ventured forth upon the web, I dutifully looked up the clusters of capital letters in my handy Internet for Dummies book, but though the google has rendered that much used tome obsolete, I have yet to learn many acronyms.

Since spelling things out in all of my posts and texts and random comments has not, to my immense surprise and disappointment, encouraged emulation (and, in some cases, such as the use of a semi-colon in a text message, actually provoked condescension and disdain), I have taken to creating my own interpretations of the acronyms thrust upon me daily.

Now I know, brilliant readers, that you all understand the abbreviated language of the cyber universe, but just in case I ever respond to you somewhat oddly, I have compiled a convenient list of my personal interpretations of the vexing new speech I must patiently endure.  Enjoy.

• BAMF:  bears ahead, move frantically! I always appreciate the warning.
• BFF:  better fast forward An indication that I should just ignore whatever follows.
• DH: desperately hovering I suppose most hovering occurs in desperation.  I mean, if you really think about it.
• EVA: especially vacant announcement Unfortunately, this information usually follows, rather than precedes, the announcement in question.
• EZ: eastbound zebra 
• F2F: Fedora II: the Facsimile If you find a copy, please let me know.  My colleague Jeremy would, I think, enjoy it.
• FFS: futilely footnoting something *
• FML: fairly minor luncheon Go ahead and skip it if you have a lot of grading to do.
• FTW: focus on the weasel An important life lesson.
• GIRL: giraffe in real life And probably laughing at your misuse of punctuation.
• H8: You sunk my battleship! 
• IDK: I don't knit Good to know.
• IDC: I do crochet Also, good to know.  But do you do yard work?
• IIRC: if I rashly comment We both know that you will, but I always appreciate the warning.
• IMHO: in my hovercraft, observing Exactly where I intend to be when the Squirrel Apocalypse comes
• IRL: irritating rationalization launched If it does not save one the chore of shooting it down, one must still be grateful for the improvement in one's aim
• LOL: lingering over linguini 
• LMFAO: longing morosely for another overcoat Mostly because of the strange scent carried by this one.
• OMG: open my garage! The frequency of this particular acronym suggests that garage door openers are based upon seriously faulty technology
• MYOB: misinterpret your own books Would that many an internet critic followed this sound advice!
• NSFW: not a squirrel-free wavelength Be careful what you post; they are listening.
• NOOB: No oscillation overthruster backstage! Thank goodness.  They are a consistent source of trouble.  And alien invasion. 
• PWN: previously was a newt [got better] 
• ROTFL: rotating on my favorite limb 
• STFU: Squirrels triggered!  Flee urgently!
• TL;DR: too late, drink rum!  Your only resort if you did not escape the squirrels.
• TMI:  this mostly ignored So you really don't need to give any more detail.
• TTC: tentatively taunting chipmunks Not a wise decision, from my point of view.
• TTYL: TARDIS thrumming—yell loudly And run.
• YMMV: cookies! 

*Most footnotes are, alas, futile.