If My Cat Spike Wrote My Course Syllabi

This is the last one.  I promise.

If My Cat Spike Wrote My Syllabus 

Him Who Must Be Obeyed

Course Objectives
Students should achieve an understanding of the elements of fiction, an appreciation of the literary value of the texts covered, and the ability to write and speak about them with clarity, insight and eloquence.

If successful in this course, you will learn the proper way to serve a feline master.  You will feed me.  And pet me.  And pet me more.  Unless I'm tired of you.  Then you will go away.

Attendance Policies

All students are required to attend all scheduled classes, meetings and conferences. Please refer to your Wofford College Student Handbook for the official policies and procedures regarding absences. In my classes the following procedures will be followed [blah, blah, blah, specific numbers of absences permitted, etc, etc]
 
You will be here whenever I want to be fed.  Or petted.  You are not allowed to leave the house except to buy more food.

Class Participation and Decorum

My classes do not include class participation scores; however, because all of the courses that I teach are relatively small (under twenty students), failure to participate in class damages the overall course community. Students are therefore required to participate through class preparation, attentive listening, and written and oral responses. Moreover, students are expected to avoid behavior that undermines or interferes with the participation of other students or distracts the professor.

You will sit in such a way that a lap is always available if I want one.   You will keep access to all windows and doors clear and make sure that there are comfy spots in front of all of the heating registers.

Grading Scale
The grading scale below is used to determine final grades for all of my classes. Students may request their current course average by coming by my office; such an average, however, will not include work turned in but not yet graded. It will also not include any absence/tardiness penalties. I will not send any grades over e-mail, as this is not a secure method of communication.

F:  You feed me and give me water once or twice a day.
D:  You feed me and give me water once or twice a day and give me lots of pettings.
C: You feed me and give me water once or twice a day and give me lots of pettings and provide catnip mice to eviscerate.
B: You feed me and give me water once or twice a day and give me lots of pettings and provide catnip mice to eviscerate, and you share your meals with me whenever they smell yummy.
A:  Empty boxes!

Late Assignments
If you are unable to turn in an assignment on time because of a documented illness or family tragedy, you will not be penalized for turning in work late, provided you present your written excuse within one week of returning to class. If you must turn in work late for other reasons, you be subject to the following penalties:

If you are late getting home from work, I will vomit in your shoes.  If you are late cleaning the litter box, I will pee in your bed.  Do not be late.

Damage to a student's personal computer or lack of access to the internet will not be considered as excuses for submitting an assignment late unless there is a campus-wide or region-wide failure.  Late penalties will apply to files submitted late for individual technological errors.

If you try to use anything with a screen or a keyboard, I will climb onto your lap and rub my face in yours until you put the infernal device away and pet the kitty.

Extra Credit
I sometimes offer classes opportunities for extra credit. These assignments are meant to deepen your appreciation for a subject. Extra credit is always class-wide; I do not give private assignments to individual students, as that would be unfair.

 If you buy tuna, I will share some with you.  Maybe.

 Probably not.