Upon Being Startled by a Bunny One Evening

 Upon Being Startled by a Bunny One Evening Returning from Pottery Class

Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous bunny,
O, what a panic's in me breastie!
Thou ought na make me start sae, honey,
A knocking me off a' ma feet!
I could na try to rin an' chase thee,
I' the murd'ring sleet!

This porch is truly ma' dominion,
Thou've broken nature's social union,
An' earned from me an ill opinion,
With this cruel twitchin'
Of ears.  Thou, poor earth-born companion,
Are somewhat bitchin'!

I doubt na, whiles, but I may rise;
What then? poor human, great of size,
Me achin' big toe in such pain!
'S a sma' blessin',
Ta get a bandaid and refrain
Wi' mo' bunnies messin'!

My brand new leggins', too, in ruin!
It's silly wa's the win's are strewin
An' rainin', now, to tear and rip 'em
Richt at the knee!
An' bleak February's winds ensuin,
Rainin' on me!

Thou saw the grass and hill an' trees,
But drizzly weather comin fast,
An' cozie here, beneath the eaves,
Thou thought to dwell-
Till crash! this human being passed
Whom thou made spill.

That wee bit patch o' flowers in boxes,
Has suffered mony a weary nibble;
Now thou's tripped me, for a' my trouble,
On the earth cold.
To sit in winter's sleety dribble,
All bleedin' on the mold!

Ah, Bunny, thou art now my bane,
For attacking me in my own lane!
The best-lit paths o' stone terraine
Slip aft in rain,
An'lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
On this freezin' plain.

An' thou art blest, compar'd wi' me
Thou hoppin', twitchin, rabbit, thee!
For, Och! I backward cast my e'e.
Landin' on my rear!
An' aftward, tho' I canna see,
The bruisin' brings a' tear.

If My Cat Spike Wrote My Course Syllabi

This is the last one.  I promise.

If My Cat Spike Wrote My Syllabus 

Him Who Must Be Obeyed

Course Objectives
Students should achieve an understanding of the elements of fiction, an appreciation of the literary value of the texts covered, and the ability to write and speak about them with clarity, insight and eloquence.

If successful in this course, you will learn the proper way to serve a feline master.  You will feed me.  And pet me.  And pet me more.  Unless I'm tired of you.  Then you will go away.

Attendance Policies

All students are required to attend all scheduled classes, meetings and conferences. Please refer to your Wofford College Student Handbook for the official policies and procedures regarding absences. In my classes the following procedures will be followed [blah, blah, blah, specific numbers of absences permitted, etc, etc]
 
You will be here whenever I want to be fed.  Or petted.  You are not allowed to leave the house except to buy more food.

Class Participation and Decorum

My classes do not include class participation scores; however, because all of the courses that I teach are relatively small (under twenty students), failure to participate in class damages the overall course community. Students are therefore required to participate through class preparation, attentive listening, and written and oral responses. Moreover, students are expected to avoid behavior that undermines or interferes with the participation of other students or distracts the professor.

You will sit in such a way that a lap is always available if I want one.   You will keep access to all windows and doors clear and make sure that there are comfy spots in front of all of the heating registers.

Grading Scale
The grading scale below is used to determine final grades for all of my classes. Students may request their current course average by coming by my office; such an average, however, will not include work turned in but not yet graded. It will also not include any absence/tardiness penalties. I will not send any grades over e-mail, as this is not a secure method of communication.

F:  You feed me and give me water once or twice a day.
D:  You feed me and give me water once or twice a day and give me lots of pettings.
C: You feed me and give me water once or twice a day and give me lots of pettings and provide catnip mice to eviscerate.
B: You feed me and give me water once or twice a day and give me lots of pettings and provide catnip mice to eviscerate, and you share your meals with me whenever they smell yummy.
A:  Empty boxes!

Late Assignments
If you are unable to turn in an assignment on time because of a documented illness or family tragedy, you will not be penalized for turning in work late, provided you present your written excuse within one week of returning to class. If you must turn in work late for other reasons, you be subject to the following penalties:

If you are late getting home from work, I will vomit in your shoes.  If you are late cleaning the litter box, I will pee in your bed.  Do not be late.

Damage to a student's personal computer or lack of access to the internet will not be considered as excuses for submitting an assignment late unless there is a campus-wide or region-wide failure.  Late penalties will apply to files submitted late for individual technological errors.

If you try to use anything with a screen or a keyboard, I will climb onto your lap and rub my face in yours until you put the infernal device away and pet the kitty.

Extra Credit
I sometimes offer classes opportunities for extra credit. These assignments are meant to deepen your appreciation for a subject. Extra credit is always class-wide; I do not give private assignments to individual students, as that would be unfair.

 If you buy tuna, I will share some with you.  Maybe.

 Probably not.

If Tim Gunn Wrote My Course Syllabi

Obviously, I can keep this up all weekend, folks:

If Tim Gunn Wrote My Syllabus 

Course Objectives
Students should achieve an understanding of the elements of fiction, an appreciation of the literary value of the texts covered, and the ability to write and speak about them with clarity, insight and eloquence.

Make it work, people, make it work!  Give them that electric shock that sends Nina's shoes across the runway!

Attendance Policies

All students are required to attend all scheduled classes, meetings and conferences. Please refer to your Wofford College Student Handbook for the official policies and procedures regarding absences. In my classes the following procedures will be followed [blah, blah, blah, specific numbers of absences permitted, etc, etc]
 
Andrae?  Where's Andrae?

Class Participation and Decorum

My classes do not include class participation scores; however, because all of the courses that I teach are relatively small (under twenty students), failure to participate in class damages the overall course community. Students are therefore required to participate through class preparation, attentive listening, and written and oral responses. Moreover, students are expected to avoid behavior that undermines or interferes with the participation of other students or distracts the professor.

We are fabulous. We don't have to meet anyone fabulous.  But few things make me angrier than people not taking good care of library materials.

Grading Scale
The grading scale below is used to determine final grades for all of my classes. Students may request their current course average by coming by my office; such an average, however, will not include work turned in but not yet graded. It will also not include any absence/tardiness penalties. I will not send any grades over e-mail, as this is not a secure method of communication.

Just have it be exuberant.

Late Assignments
If you are unable to turn in an assignment on time because of a documented illness or family tragedy, you will not be penalized for turning in work late, provided you present your written excuse within one week of returning to class. If you must turn in work late for other reasons, you be subject to the following penalties:

 This concerns me.

Damage to a student's personal computer or lack of access to the internet will not be considered as excuses for submitting an assignment late unless there is a campus-wide or region-wide failure.  Late penalties will apply to files submitted late for individual technological errors.

This is a make-it-work moment. 

Extra Credit
I sometimes offer classes opportunities for extra credit. These assignments are meant to deepen your appreciation for a subject. Extra credit is always class-wide; I do not give private assignments to individual students, as that would be unfair.

 What are you thinking?  This is such wretched excess.  And Jackie O would not have camel toe.

If Batman Wrote My Course Syllabi

Because I'm feeling like a costumed superhero today.

If Batman Wrote My Syllabus 

Course Objectives
Students should achieve an understanding of the elements of fiction, an appreciation of the literary value of the texts covered, and the ability to write and speak about them with clarity, insight and eloquence.

Students are a superstitious cowardly lot, so my class must be able to strike terror into their hearts.  I must be a professor of the night, black, terrible... I have questions. You will answer them. Or else.

Attendance Policies

All students are required to attend all scheduled classes, meetings and conferences. Please refer to your Wofford College Student Handbook for the official policies and procedures regarding absences. In my classes the following procedures will be followed [blah, blah, blah, specific numbers of absences permitted, etc, etc]
 
You will come to class.  Every session.  On time.   Don't test me.

Class Participation and Decorum

My classes do not include class participation scores; however, because all of the courses that I teach are relatively small (under twenty students), failure to participate in class damages the overall course community. Students are therefore required to participate through class preparation, attentive listening, and written and oral responses. Moreover, students are expected to avoid behavior that undermines or interferes with the participation of other students or distracts the professor.

Your life could end here, now, and nobody would ever know. Would anyone even miss you? Tell me, what's your life worth, punk... ?

Grading Scale
The grading scale below is used to determine final grades for all of my classes. Students may request their current course average by coming by my office; such an average, however, will not include work turned in but not yet graded. It will also not include any absence/tardiness penalties. I will not send any grades over e-mail, as this is not a secure method of communication.

You don't seek justice. You seek an easy A. They're not the same. You have no regard for intellect. So I'm grading you.

Late Assignments
If you are unable to turn in an assignment on time because of a documented illness or family tragedy, you will not be penalized for turning in work late, provided you present your written excuse within one week of returning to class. If you must turn in work late for other reasons, you be subject to the following penalties:


The rain falls on murderers and madmen, the same as it does on innocent children... and it can't stop a due date.

Damage to a student's personal computer or lack of access to the internet will not be considered as excuses for submitting an assignment late unless there is a campus-wide or region-wide failure.  Late penalties will apply to files submitted late for individual technological errors.

What are you dense? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the Batman.

Extra Credit
I sometimes offer classes opportunities for extra credit. These assignments are meant to deepen your appreciation for a subject. Extra credit is always class-wide; I do not give private assignments to individual students, as that would be unfair.

 I'm Batman.  Not Santa Claus.

If Yoda Wrote My Course Syllabi

On Monday, beloved readers, the spring semester begins, so I've spent the last week tweaking that Guide to All Knowledge, the course syllabus, and I have come to this conclusion:  my syllabi are boring.  Boring, boring, boring.  But how, I ask you, yummy readers, can one make a list of books, a grade breakdown and an attendance policy interesting?

I'm so grateful you asked.

If Yoda Wrote My Syllabus 

Course Objectives
Students should achieve an understanding of the elements of fiction, an appreciation of the literary value of the texts covered, and the ability to write and speak about them with clarity, insight and eloquence.

This class is strong with the dark side of literature.  A domain of evil it is.  In you must go.  You must unlearn what you have learned.

Attendance Policies

All students are required to attend all scheduled classes, meetings and conferences. Please refer to your Wofford College Student Handbook for the official policies and procedures regarding absences. In my classes the following procedures will be followed [blah, blah, blah, specific numbers of absences permitted, etc, etc]
 
Bring yourself here.  Question you I will.  If absent or tardy you are, only pain will you find.  Good relations with the Wookies, I have.

Class Participation and Decorum

My classes do not include class participation scores; however, because all of the courses that I teach are relatively small (under twenty students), failure to participate in class damages the overall course community. Students are therefore required to participate through class preparation, attentive listening, and written and oral responses. Moreover, students are expected to avoid behavior that undermines or interferes with the participation of other students or distracts the professor.

A student must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind.  Control, control, you must learn control!

Grading Scale
The grading scale below is used to determine final grades for all of my classes. Students may request their current course average by coming by my office; such an average, however, will not include work turned in but not yet graded. It will also not include any absence/tardiness penalties. I will not send any grades over e-mail, as this is not a secure method of communication.

Attachment to grades leads to jealousy.  The shadow of greed that is.  To a dark place this line of thought will carry us.

Late Assignments
If you are unable to turn in an assignment on time because of a documented illness or family tragedy, you will not be penalized for turning in work late, provided you present your written excuse within one week of returning to class. If you must turn in work late for other reasons, you be subject to the following penalties:

Do or do not.  There is no extension.

Damage to a student's personal computer or lack of access to the internet will not be considered as excuses for submitting an assignment late unless there is a campus-wide or region-wide failure.  Late penalties will apply to files submitted late for individual technological errors.

 A student uses technology for knowledge and defense, never for excuses.

Extra Credit
I sometimes offer classes opportunities for extra credit. These assignments are meant to deepen your appreciation for a subject. Extra credit is always class-wide; I do not give private assignments to individual students, as that would be unfair.

 Quizzes dropped!  Extra credit!  A student craves not these things.