Mom: Have you put those shoes away yet? There were fifteen pairs!
Me: No, I'm still putting away all of the jewelry I've scattered around the house, just like you asked.
Mom: Putting away jewelry is stopping you from putting away shoes?
Me: Yes. I can only do one thing at a time, you know.
Mom: If you put things where they belong when you took them off, you would not have a list of things to put away!
Me: Honestly, Mom, you have known me for forty years. Have you ever seen any evidence that I will ever put things away when I take them off?
Mom: I do not need evidence! I need you to put away your damn stuff!
Me: I'm working on it.
Mom: I'm going to be working on your head! I will kick ass pretty soon. You have been warned.
Me: Yes, but you've been warning me for forty years and have never kicked my ass.
Mom: But now I have a brand new cane. A pink cane which will not show the blood.
Me: Are you threatening me with child abuse?
Mom: I'm threatening to beat you to death with my pink cane. And I will wash off the blood, and if it stains no one can tell. And Alyce and Watt will help me put you in the trunk and dump your body in a river.
Me: Alyce and Watt love me. They will not help you.
Mom: Yes, they will when they see this house. Have you ever seen their house look like this? No! Any why? Because they will beat up anyone who does this to their house. They are in better shape than me, but I have this pink cane, and I will kick ass!
Me: Okay, okay. Sheesh. This neighborhood is getting awfully violent.
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