More Mandalorian, Less Empathy

 

Chapter 10 (Season 2, Episode 2): "The Passenger"

I don't know how it is that the authors of this episode thought that having Baby Yoda not only eat the eggs of a sentient species trying desperately to save itself from extinction would be funny, but they were wrong.  And Disney's pathetic response about fertilization and chicken eggs is complete nonsense, as chickens are neither endangered nor sentient.

If you are not a creepy person with no empathy who would like to see how a SF series can produce a show about an alien species trying to reproduce and running into trouble with both comedy and compassion, I recommend watching "Ephraim and Dot," from the second season of Short Treks.  One wonders if the Mandalorian writers were deliberately dissing Star Trek's concern for non-human life forms...but one suspects they aren't even aware of it.

In any case, I was rooting for the ice spiders.

Chapter 11 (Season 2, Episode 3): "The Heiress"

The Mandalorian is still trying to find another of his kind in order to lead him to the Jedi, which is really a very indirect way of going about things.  In any case, as per usual, he goes to a bar where he meets a Mon Calamari who tells him about someone who can lead him to other Mandalorians.

And I am wondering, my friends, if the writers of this episode had Baby Yoda attempt to eat a squid-octopus creature as a deliberate pun on "Mon Calamari."  Given that we established after the last episode that they lack a sense of humor, one must conclude that they thought this was a real thigh-slapper.

Perhaps because the Mon Calamari do have sense of humor, or at least of dignity, they lead the Mandalorian to a group of people who attempt to feed him and Baby Yoda to a sea monster so that they can claim his armor.  One would like to think that this experience would teach Baby Yoda some damned empathy, but one suspects that not only won't that happen, but that the cliché "eat or be eaten" will become a tedious metaphor running throughout the entire series.

Someone, some where, will call this being "dark" or "realistic."  Meanwhile, over on Star Trek Discovery, Cleveland "Book" Booker is a trader in a harsh, post-Burn galaxy, who nevertheless risks his life to save endangered species like the tranceworm named Molly.

Moving right along, the Mandalorian and Baby Yoda are rescued by a bunch of Mandalorians with decorated helmets and bad ass moves!  Also, their leader is female, and could it be...?  Yes, she removes her helmet, and it is Bo Katan, the last holder of the Darksaber, played by Katee Sackoff, of Battlestar Galactica fame.  But what is this?  She and her companions remove their helmets, and the Mandalorian is all shocked and horrified and claims they are not real Mandalorians---Fool!  You fool!  Bo Katan is THE Mandalorian, compared to which you are only a pseudo-Mandalorian.

To prove that, she rescues his arrogant ass a second time, and tries to explain to him that he is part of an underground cult of extremists and has never even been to Mandalore, so get off his high horse, thank you very much.  Anyway, she knows where to find the jedi.

This is a big relief to me, dearest readers, for I could not figure out how Sabine Wren and Bo Katan were of the same tradition as the Pseudo-Mandalorian of this series, and knowing he's just part of some post-disaster religious cult makes everything much clearer.

Bo Katan says she will help Pseudo-Mandalorian find a jedi if he helps her steal some weapons from the Empire-ish group, as she eventually plans to retake Mandalore.  He agrees, and in a horrific scene, they leave Baby Yoda with the couple whose eggs he kept eating last episode, and..I'm just not going to talk about that anymore.

There are a number of exciting action scenes aboard the ship with the weapons which confirm that storm troopers still can't shoot worth a damn, but that Mandalorian helmets have heat-detecting vision.  My favorite moment, though, is when Bo Katan reveals that she's not there just to steal the weapons, but the whole ship.  Pseudo-Mandalorian objects that she's "changing the deal," and she replies "This is the way."

Now that was funny.

They succeed, but when Bo Katan tries to interrogate the ship's captain to find Moff Gideon and retrieve the dark saber, he swallows poison.  Nevertheless, Pseudo-Mandalorian was great in the fight, and Bo Katan tells him where to find...yes!...Ahsoka Tano.  

Amusingly, the Mon Calamari have done a crappy job repairing the Razorcrest, but since the episode ends with Baby Yoda eating another squid-octopus thing, one can hardy blame them.

Chapter 12 (Season 2, Episode 4): "The Siege"

There are a few interesting plot developments in this episode, but here are the most pertinent facts:

• Gina Carrano returns as the Alderaanian fighter Cara Dune, who admits to having lost everyone when Alderaan was destroyed.
• Shortly before this episode aired, Carrano shared a meme making fun of (democrats) requiring people to wear masks to help control the spread of the coronavirus.
• As of this date, over 250, 000 Americans have died of Covid-19

Nothing that happens in this episode was sufficient to distract me from the appalling behavior of someone who would politicize and make light of attempts to control this disease.  

A new season of the Expanse begins on December 19.

Mandalorian Review, Spiced with Entertaining Bits of Star Trek Discovery

 

And so Mandalorian, Season 2 has begun, and it amuses me to continue to provide commentary, but only if I can spice it with bits of commentary on Season 3 of Star Trek Discovery because that will make this blog entertaining for even fewer people than it was before.

 

Alright, here we go, Chapter 9: “The Marshal”

 

The episode begins with a recap of season 1, and I have been wondering for a while why these recaps exist.  Most of the people watching this show will have binge-watched Season 1 right before Season 2 started, so the purpose has been puzzling the hell out of me.  It’s not like back in the day, when you needed these recaps if you started a series in the middle.  I think, however, I have figured it out.  I theorize, my friends, that these recaps are solely for people in relationships with a lover, a spouse, a parent, a child—someone who is a big fan and has badgered their loved one into watching a favorite show—and that loved one has no intention of watching every episode just to catch up on the story.  They have reluctantly agreed to watch a single episode to find out whether or not it’s any good.  The recaps, therefore, are for the poor, badgered newbies, and I just want them to know:  you are seen, my friends, and this blog entry is dedicated to you!

 

Once the episode starts, the Mandalorian is on a new planet, and though it kind of looks like Mos Eisley, you can tell it’s not Tatooine because of all the graffiti.   I suppose I could stop and try to figure out what the graffiti says, but to be honest, I don’t really care. 

 

Star Trek Discovery premiered a couple of weeks ago, so they are on Episode 3 this week, and I can note that they have jumped forward 1000 years from the 23^rd century where they began, and that means they can go to the same planets, but use all new sets and not be accused of ruining canon.  Very clever, Discovery writers, very clever.

 

The Mandalorian goes to some kind of boxing match between two Gamorreans[1] (Jabba the Hutt employed such as guards in Return of the Jedi; they are not any more pleasant in this episode). He’s after finding some info about another Mandalorian who can supposedly help him start searching for Baby Yoda’s people, and…that makes no sense whatsoever.  He’s looking for Jedi.  Why isn’t he tracking mysterious sorcerers?  Someone, somewhere, just wants to slow down the plot and add Boba Fett to this series.  Boba Fett was kind of cool because he just nodded and never said much.  I do not think familiarity will add to his coolness factor.  I would rather see Sabine Wren or Ahsoka Tano, but I feel I will be disappointed, alas.

 

So after a betrayal and a fight scene, the Mandalorian finds out that there is rumor of another one of his…way?...on Tatooine.  Also, he hangs this guy by his feet from a lamp post, shoots out the light, and leaves him to be eaten by creatures with red eyes, so that he doesn’t technically kill the guy, as he promises that he won’t die by his hand.  I suppose someone thinks this is cool.  I think it undermines my empathy for the character.

 

The fight scene, by the way, isn’t bad at all, but it is boring compared to the fight scene in Episode 2 of Star Trek Discovery where Michelle Yeoh just destroys an entire bar full of bad guys in their faux-western episode, and I am going to say it right now:  I don’t care how much armor and how many little bird missiles the Mandalorian collects, Michelle Yeoh could take him down without breaking a sweat, my friends.  You go watch her character and come back and tell me I’m wrong.

 

I’m not wrong.

 

Back to Tatooine, and the Mandalorian borrows a speeder bike and goes out to a miserable mining town to try to track down another Mandalorian.  He rides into the town, down the main street, really slowly, while townspeople look at him silently or shut their doors like every single cowboy entering every single town in every single western ever filmed before stopping and tying up his horse…I mean bike…and going into the saloon.  Ugh.  Really?  Of course, the person wearing Mandalorian armor is the town Marshal. 

 

We know immediately he is not a Mandalorian because he takes off his helmet and also because it’s obviously Boba Fett’s armor, last seen canonically when he was swallowed by the Sarlacc.  And this guy is not Boba Fett.

 

You know, the closing scene of Episode 1 of the third season of Star Trek Discovery made me tear up, not just because they hang up the Federation Flag and make an officer of this wonderfully dedicated guy whose been keeping the idea of Starfleet and the Federation going, all alone, for decades, but because that moving closing scene has three actors in it, and not a single one of them is white.  Not only does Discovery repeatedly pass the Bechdel test, y’all, but it consistently passes the Vito Russo and DuVernay tests, as well, which you cannot say for the Mandalorian.

 

Yet.  There is much we don’t know about the Mandalorian.  And Baby Yoda, for that matter.[2]

 

The plot of this episode is that the Marshal will give Boba Fett’s armor to the Mandalorian if he helps slay a Krayt dragon.  The subplot is that the Mandalorian speaks Tuskan Raider and likes their lizard dogs, so he can broker peace between the townspeople and the sandpeople (even though they prefer to kill each other) long enough to kill the dragon.

 

That is also the plot of the third episode of this season of Star Trek Discovery, where the Discovery crew force the government of earth and a group of raiders to figure out that they are all more or less human and can make a deal to help each other instead of blowing up ships and stealing dilithium.  There are many more bombs and a dragon in the Mandalorian, but while the dragon is very, very cool, Michelle Yeoh is cooler, and when she slams a guy to the ground, pulls off his helmet, and tells everyone that “diplomacy is so slow,” everyone who has ever been in a committee meeting wants to high five her and buy her a drink.

 

I am not kidding.  I’d really like to have a drink with Michelle Yeoh and talk about absolutely anything.  I'm sure she would read this blog post and call me up right away, were it not for the coronavirus.  Damn you, virus! 

 

Of course, there is another difference between the two shows: Star Trek has this tradition of trying, no matter how batshit the plot is or awful the problem, to show Starfleet people as evolved sorts who usually try to do the right thing and bring peace, even if they talk a lot and need Michelle Yeoh to cut through the b.s.  In Star Wars, diplomacy fails so often that it’s a wonder it ever works.  So even though they have a plan to blow up the dragon and spend endless hours gathering explosives and drawing the dragon out of its cave and risking their lives…in the end, the Mandalorian just uses his jet pack, some bombs, and a poor, innocent bantha to fly into the dragon’s mouth and explode it from the inside which isn’t a plot point we’ve ever seen before when a hero meets a giant monster…oh, wait.  Yes, we have.  Many, many times. 

 

Anyhow, Boba Fett poses in front of a landscape painting at the end of the episode, so it will satisfy the fan boys.

---

[1] I looked up “Gamorrean guards” on the internets because I couldn’t remember how to spell the name of their species, and what I found out is that there is a LOT of porn based on these creatures, and I really, really wish I didn’t know that.

[2] If you do not know what these tests are, google them, my friends, and then you can say you learned something from reading this blog, which is a shocking and delightful thing.

Reviews of Episodes 7 and 8 of *The Mandalorian*

I have taken the blog back from Leia the Cat, as she got bored with it.  And with me.

So I have returned to reviewing the first season of the Mandalorian, just for the sake of completeness.   I am going to warn you that this review is not as funny as the others because I am quite put out with the writers, so much so that I threaten to write an academic article at them.

Which is, you know, a pretty serious threat.

Mandalorian, Episode 7: “The Reckoning”

Episode 7 begins with a little hologram message from the Guild leader who was shot.  The hologram is much higher quality than the one that Leia sends to Obiwan in Star Wars, and if they were this good in real life, then teaching remotely might not be so exhausting.

Or maybe it would.  I don’t know.

Anyway, he wants the Mandalorian to come work with him one more time because…I don’t know…there is some nameless threat to both of them out there.  And probably to Baby Yoda too, which is the real point.

So now we are on a sunny planet where Xena, Star Wars Edition, is fighting with a guy, and they are linked by red lightning that appears to be coming from their genitals, and…even though she wins, this is clearly written by men.

Mandalorian and Baby Yoda show up and offer her a job.  She tries to turn him down, but agrees because she likes fighting Imperials, I guess.  While they talk about the plan, Baby Yoda spies on them, which seems like a good idea on its part.

It is interesting that Baby Yoda’s species doesn’t seem to need any training to use the Force; I wonder why not.  I do not think I will find out in the Mandalorian.

And…now we are back on Nevarro, the planet where this all started.  It has deserts and, apparently, rivers of lava, which makes it a terrible hybrid of Tatooine and Mustafar.   They go visit Pig Nolte, because this is the part of the story where we assemble Our Gang of Heroes.  He says Baby Yoda is too ugly to have been engineered artificially, but Star Wars Xena looks like someone designed her, which is…Pig Nolte’s way of picking up girls? 

Anyway, Pig Nolte has rebuilt the twisty droid according to some kind of New Republic salvage law and taught it to do things.  I do not like that that droid is salvage; droids are obviously meant to be the slave class in Star Wars, and I kind of hope Twisty Droid wipes out the biologicals, but instead it…makes tea. Okay.  Once again, that seems a waste of technology.

Pig Nolte finally tells the Mandalorian his name when refusing to join his little gang, and then gives a lecture on the nature of droids, and says he’ll only join the gang if he can take his droid and his blurbs?  Oh, right, his pig lizard.  So each member of Our Gang has first said no, then said yes, and I am starting to appreciate the Flash from the terrible Justice League movie, just because he didn’t play hard to get like everybody else.

So Baby Yoda tries to force choke Star Wars Xena, and they FINALLY figure out that it can use the Force, but instead of talking about it, Pig Nolte gives an outraged lecture about being an Imperial slave while the droid watches.

The droid is the slave, ya’ll.  Ever since “We don’t serve their kind here,” we have known that they are treated like poo in Star Wars.  You know what?  I bet the droid dies.  That will be the character arc—it dies and the Mandalorian learns a lesson and…this is how they treat black characters in primarily white films, ya’ll.  Wtf?!  Why do we need a race of disposable characters to catalyze change in the hero?  I’m actually pretty pissed about this.

But the Mandalorian is determined to hate all droids at this point, even though he looks like a droid himself.  This character trait is getting more annoying, not less, and I hope we dispense with it before Season 2.

Ahsoka Tano is supposed to appear in Season 2, which might be enough for me to watch it.  Darn you, Disney!

The Guild guy meets them and is introduced to Baby Yoda, who, to my disappointment, does not immediately force choke him, because you know he is up to no good.  Everyone goes back to this same boring western town, now occupied by former Imperials.  Pig Nolte feeds Baby Yoda meat of some kind.  He has not explained about the Force, which is apparently a “rumor”—and I still don’t get this.  There were inquisitors running around all through the Empire stealing Force-powerful children—so how is it no one knows what the Force is?  Do they think they were stealing children for the hell of it?  I do not like this Disney canon which makes the Jedi, including Luke and Leia, obscure legends even after they kill the Emperor. 

Anyway, there is a shootout, and the Guild guy is shot; Baby Yoda to the rescue!  He heals the Guild guy with the Force, just like Rey does in the Rise of Skywalker.

Okay, this is the fourth shot of the gang all lined up against a landscape painting, and it’s starting to seem like they are just creating a bunch of zoom backgrounds.  Guild guy explains (to no one’s surprise) that he was going to double cross them and steal Baby Yoda, but now since he was healed, he doesn’t want to any more even if it violates the Code.  They make up some other tedious plan to confront the Imperial client and send Pig Nolte and Baby Yoda back to the ship to hide.  They ride on a pig lizard across the plains of Mordor to the ship while dramatic music plays.

They take the empty floaty chair to meet the client, who gives them a stupid lecture on the Empire, then takes a holocall from Moff Gideon, and the whole time, Xena Star Wars is getting more and more pissed at seeing more and more stormtroopers because Guild guy said there were only four. 

Moff Gideon shows up with something that the internets tell me is an Outland TIE fighter, which is pretty much the coolest thing in this episode, and a ton of troops, and sends troops on speeder bikes to catch Pig Nolte and Baby Yoda.  Oh, Pig Nolte is dead, and Baby Yoda is in the hands of the not-Empire!  What will happen?

Reviewers like this episode because most of the characters come back together to face off with the Moff and Save the Baby.  I am…disturbed…and I am ready to start an uprising on behalf of the droids.

Episode 8: “Redemption”

This episode starts with my favorite scene in the whole series, as two stormtroopers on the speeders argue and complain to each other.  They are pretty funny.  I give this scene a thumbs up.  These guys are my favorite troopers (not counting Finn, of course).  Twisty droid shows up to rescue Baby Yoda, who they mistake for…a nurse.  He beats them senseless and rescues the baby.  You know, my cousin Bekah is a nurse, and I think she could do this.  She is pretty bad ass.

Our Gang is trapped in a room, and they try, to my great amusement, to escape down the sewers, but when they go all Leia on the sewer grill, it does not break at all, so they cannot leap into the trash.  Really, the Death Star was shoddily constructed in many ways, wasn’t it?

Moff Gideon threatens them and gives them a deadline before opening fire, which makes no sense whatsoever.  Now we get the whole flashback to the Mandalorian’s childhood and find out that “Mandalorian” is not a race but a creed, and I still don’t think that fits since Mandalore is a planet.  Maybe they wiped out the whole planet under the Empire.  Rumor says Sabine Wren might also appear next season, and I am telling you, she is going to be pissed off.

This is a VERY long childhood flashback to explain how the Mandalorian became a Mandalorian.  A droid killed his parents; a Mandalorian saved him.  So he will don a mask and train in an underground lair, and strike fear into the hearts of cowardly droids as he stalks the Gotham…I mean, the Nevarro nights as…a bounty hunter.  Following a…creed?  Of bounty hunting?  And a Way of Mandalore? 

For a long flashback, this is not explained all that well.

Anyway, back to the fighting.

Twisty Droid shows up wearing Baby Yoda in a backpack and just destroys these stormtroopers.  Go, Twisty Droid!  It’s part of the IG series, which you might know because IG-88 was one of the bounty hunters hired to track down the Millennium Falcon in the Empire Strikes Back.  Based on what I am seeing here, Han and Leia and Chewie would have been toast if IG-88 had caught them instead of Boba Fett.  But everyone is all hyper for Boba Fett.  More bias towards biologicals, obviously.

So Twisty Droid blows the grid so they can go down in the sewers and the Mandalorian is injured and probably dying and says to leave him behind…but…Baby Yoda stands up and uses the Force all over the Imperials, giving everyone else time to get into the sewers.  Twisty droid stays to protect the Mandalorian, and the Mandalorian is like, “Kill me,” but the Droid has been reprogrammed and will not kill him.  Now, the Mandalorian has to remove his helmet to be healed; it also tells him a joke.  It is not a good joke.  But it’s okay to take off his helmet because this does not violate the Way because Twisty Droid is not a life form, and…now I am getting angry again.

This episode seems unusually long.

Somehow, they catch up to the rest of the gang in the sewers (which also does not make sense).  Ah, here are piles of old Mandalorian armor, some of it artistically painted, which I approve of.  But it looks like all of the Mandalorians in the jet packs have been wiped out.  The Armourer is alive, though, and she says the imperials wiped them out.  She wants to see Baby Yoda.

Ah, she knows what the Jedi are.  Sort of.

Anyway, now “the Way” is to find Baby Yoda’s home and “return him to a race of enemy sorcerers”; in the meantime, he has to be its father.  This Way keeps getting more complicated, like how the Grand Nagus keeps adding Rules of Acquisition.  Who can keep up? 

Now the Mandalorian gets a signet.  And a jet pack.  And a bunch of weapons.  This is convenient.  I did not know you could find all of this in the sewers.  Anyway, she tells them the way out.  Then stormtroopers come, and she takes a hammer and absolutely destroys them all. 

Now there is…a plain of lava?  And…a red R2 droid with long arms and legs piloting a boat over the lake of fire, and we will just go ahead and call it Charon, shall we?  And…here is the final character arc…Twisty Droid will sacrifice its life to save Baby Yoda, and now the Mandalorian can’t hate droids anymore.

I hate you, Star Wars Mandalorian writers; I really hate you.  Do you want me to write an academic article on the creation of a slave race in Star Wars using clichéd tropes for black characters in science fiction?  Do you?!  Because it seems like you do.

Anyhow, Our Gang escapes and says goodbye to dramatic music while the Mandalorian flies off to his ship with his jet pack.  He buries Pig Nolte before he flies away with Baby Yoda, who has stolen an ugly piece of jewelry.

And then my other favorite scene, as we see Moff Gideon has survived the crash of his TIE figher, and he cuts his way out using…the Darksaber.  And THAT is why Ahsoka Tano has to show up next season and find out how the heck a Moff got this stupid sword after all the trouble she went to to get it into the hands of Bo-Katan. 

Anyway, the Mandalorian’s last episode was better than the beginning of the show, but aside from the appearance of the Darksaber, it was pretty predictable, filled with racist clichés applied to droids, and mostly makes me want to go watch Star Wars: Rebels again.

Yet Another Set of Pandemic Updates from Leia the Cat

April 25: Apparently, the human is having vivd and disturbing dreams. Today, she explained that in the event of a zombie attack, my job is to "create a diversion." I already have a plan in place for a zombie attack; it does not involve the rescue of mentally disturbed humans who are late with breakfast.

April 26: More meteorological excess last night tempted the human to sleep past my breakfast time. She discovered that she still has plenty of bandaids, and that my breakfast is not to be delayed for thunderstorms.

Update from Spike the Other Cat: very scary storm. I cried and cried and peed in the hallway. Mommy yelled but then I got snuggles.

 


Update from Natalie the Human: Both of these cats are damned drama queens. I miss my students. They may occasionally complain, but they never pee on my stuff.

April 27: The human slept on and off most of the day murmuring listlessly about "barometric changes" and "sinuses." While this means I regained control of my territory AND had a warm place to sit throughout the day, experience has shown that she and Spike will do something embarrassing and energetic at 3am tonight.

April 28: The human has been working on the cat warming machine all day, but she has also been sneezing, loudly, the entire time. I have three times attempted to make her desist by placing a gentle paw across her face, but this has not improved the situation. More aggressive methods will need to be enacted if things do not improve, as her "allergies" are disrupting the peace of the household.

April 29: The human rescued Spike from a very small spider today, which had provoked him into huddling in the corner and crying. Instead of killing the invader, however, the human placed it outside the domicile, explaining that "spiders serve an important ecological niche as they are necessary for the creation of new superheroes." Had I been quicker, I would have killed it dead.

April 30: After taking out the trash (again, with the stupid "Danger Zone" song), the human put herself in "time out" for tracking mud across the floor that she had just mopped. She also instructed herself to leave wet shoes on the front porch, "or heads will roll!" I miss the cleaning lady; she does not sing or shout at herself.

May 1: Today I was a bit bored, so I entertained myself by hiding between the shower curtain and the shower curtain liner until the human walked near enough for me to tap her on the foot. Her screams were gratifying.

May 2:  The human spent many hours typing on the cat warming device today, muttering about grading. Her only pause was a bizarre rant on the topic of "why it's always the starboard coupling, answer me that that? I know you can't; it has to be a design flaw--so much for 24th century engineering." I took her lapse into madness as an opportunity to steal the cheese off of her sandwich.

May 3: The human left the domicile today! Unfortunately, within 30 minutes, she came back.

May 4: Today the human was punished by the fates for not sharing her chicken with me, as she spilled a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle on the dining room floor. Note: humans are pretty disgusting when they cry.

May 5: Another hailstorm, another overly dramatic breakdown on Spike's part.

May 6: The human attempted to bond with us today by discussing the best food to be found in the Detroit airport as well as a gathering place called "Bilbo's Pizza." I do not know what either of these has to do with medieval studies, but I do know that I am not receiving my customary Five Days of Intense Spoiling by the Neighbors which I look forward to each May. I am VERY unhappy.

May 7:  Today the human complained that she didn't have any wine "bad enough" for the traditional wine hour. Honestly, this pandemic has clearly given her brain damage.

May 8: The human, whose cleaning skills are rather weak in the best of times, attempted to dance with a mop last night while cleaning the floor of Spike's vomit. Naturally, she crashed in an undignified heap. After much overly dramatic shouting, she spent most of today in Spike's chair with her right rear paw elevated and encased in a bag of frozen peas. Worse yet, when she does bother to move, she does so with the assistance of two long sticks, one of which came close to crushing my tail!

May 9: The human left the frozen peas on a stool within reach of Spike for ten minutes. I spent the afternoon in the front bedroom out of range of both the rolling peas and the swearing.

May 10: The human seemed lonely today, so I made sure that I sat on at least one of her body parts at all times, including when she was using the bathroom. In spite of this affection, my dinner was 22 minutes late.

May 11:  Today, when I was trying to groom myself in peace, I was subjected to a rant from the human on the theme of "Why Starting a Sentence in an Essay with the Phrase, 'I Don't Mean to Be Offensive, But...' Should Result in a Grade of -2000." I do not care about student essays, but my human earned a D- today for lack of dignity alone.

May 13, 8am: I did not update yesterday because the human was boring.


May 13: By Bast's holy tail, what is Frozen 2, and why is it on continual loop?!

May 14: I have finally established that the front bedroom is Mine every afternoon--no humans, no orange cats--Mine alone. I need a few hours of solitude each day to preserve my sanity.

May 15: Someone sent the human Star Wars socks. The human attempted to see how they would look on ME, a decision she will regret at her leisure.

May 16: The human spent several hours this afternoon wearing a blue head covering and watching something she called "classic baseball." Then she sighed deeply and took a long nap, allowing me to do my nails in peace.

May 17: The human went outside today to "do battle with invasive species," and Spike ran out onto the front porch. After much drama, he ran back in, carrying a mouse he had caught. Instead of killing it, however, he released it into the house. Eventually, I had to bestir myself from my afternoon nap to kill it myself and deposit it in the human's slipper. Neither the human nor Spike expressed any appreciation, of course.

May 18: When the human took out the recycling today, she let a fly into the house. While I used the bug to contemplate the brevity of existence and the relative nature of time and space, Spike broke a glass, pulled down the bedroom curtains, and killed something called an "ipad mini." The fly left the domicile unmolested when the human brought in the mail. It's been over a decade, and I still do not understand why this household needed a second cat.

Yet Another Series of Pandemic Updates from Leia the Cat

April 16: Today was bright, and I was able to nap in the sunbeam in front of the door to the domicile. That allowed me to witness several humans leaving packages on the front porch. All of these humans wore masks. While I appreciate the effort, even with face coverings, humans are graceless and ugly compared to cats.

April 17: the human attempted to convince Spike and me that we had to walk only on pillows scattered across the living room "to avoid stepping in the burning lava!" She grew quite alarmed when we did not play this ridiculous game. I thought about indulging her. Then I thought again.

April 18: I do not know who Billie Jean is or why she demands the "moonwalk," but if I meet her, I will vomit a hairball onto her shoes. My human, incidentally, now appears to be limping.

April 19: Today was a relaxing day except for the half-hour lecture the human gave me on the uses and misuses of the apostrophe, a subject both tedious and unnecessary for an evolved creature such as myself. I have to admit to being surprised that this sort of thing passes for knowledge among humans.

April 20: the human engaged in something called a "primal scream" today. I engaged in clawing the bedroom drapes in response.

April 21: Spike incurred the wrath of the human today by standing in a bowl of pasta sauce to more effectively steal cheese. After a bath in the sink <shudder> the hair dryer was inflicted upon him. It did not go well. During all of this chaos, I, of course, ate the cheese.

April 22: the human heard something on the loud screen today and kept typing "face masks for cats" into the cat warming device and promising to protect us from the apocalypse. She was twenty minutes late with my dinner, however.

April 23:  the human "sang" the song "Danger Zone" by the execrable Kenny Loggins in preparation for rolling the garbage can to the curb. I am giving her my butt for the rest of the evening.

April 24: last night, when she SHOULD have been asleep, the human began stalking back and forth, pausing only to floridly display a single claw on each hand. This is a hostile gesture among her kind, here aimed at someone recommending "lysol injections" and "uv light to fight viruses." Today, I persuaded Spike to nap ostentatiously in a sunbeam, just to mess with her.

Pandemic Updates from Leia the Cat, 2nd Week of April 2020

April 8: The human has cleaned and organized the room referred to as "home office" today. She appears to have done this by moving all of the mayhem and flotsam from that room into another room. I really do not understand human behavior.

April 9: The human had three "meetings" at which she spoke into the cat warming device. I attended the third, interposing myself between the screen and the human and receiving adequate head scratching as a result. While I prefer the human's undivided attention when I demand it, the praise I received from the voices coming from the cat warming device was surprisingly gratifying.

April 10: Today the human sat around reading books. And more books. Finally I sat on the books and received appropriate attentions. Then she nudged me aside and went back to books. I do NOT approve.

April 11: The human attempted to lecture me today about sleeping and rolling around on the cat warming device. Apparently, this sends messages that no one can decipher. I will, of course, continue to do as I please.

April 12: The human arose from her bed at 3am last night, went into the dining room with a basket of old cat toys, and encased six of them inside egg-shaped plastic vessels. Then she wandered around the house depositing them in various locations. This morning, she attempted to persuade Spike to "find" the "kitty Easter eggs." Spike did not find them. I did not participate.

April 13: Today has been a quiet day, not because the human has finally left the domicile, but because last night's storm appears to have traumatized both her and Spike. Frankly, they were both equally useless today. I, of course, am not affected by meteorological drama.

April 14: The human cleaned the dining room floor today, which surprised me, as she has been astonishingly slothful. Having moved the chairs into the living room, she lost whatever mind she has left, draped blankets over them, and invited Spike and myself into her "fort" for "reading and self-care." The human is clearly completely bonkers. I will confess, however, to taking a peaceful 45-minute nap in the "fort."

April 15: The human spent most of today talking to various devices and drinking brown liquids. Eventually, I had to knock several devices to the floor to make room on the human's lap for petting and napping time. Attempts to retrieve the devices were met with claws.

Pandemic Updates from Leia the Cat, First Week of April 2020

March 31:  It is the middle of the night. The night belongs to me! This must stop. The human has covered her face with half a paper plate and is angrily shouting with some horrific, terrible musical soundtrack. I do not know who Andrew Lloyd Webber is, but I hope someone drops a chandelier on HIM.

April 1: The human fed us on time today, spent the morning cleaning, uttering only minor expletives about "damned internet connection," and then has spent the mid-day typing into the cat warming machine. Is it possible she can be domesticated after all?

April 2: The human woke up at an acceptable time today, but provided the wrong flavor food, something to which I had to draw her attention by knocking over her glass of iced coffee. Twice. FINALLY, she become aware of her error and provided a tuna substitute. Acceptable. But I expect better service tomorrow.

Update from Spike the Other Cat: Mom doing puzzles. Puzzles are yummy. Need to be washed first, though.

April 3: The human has started a new and somewhat worrying behavior. She has been asking the throw pillows "which ones of you would like to live in the bedroom this week? Is anyone unhappy with this sofa? Who would like to move to the loveseat?" She also praised the dishes for coming out of the dishwasher "all sparkling and ready to meet the world!" It is possible that her lack of contact with others of her kind is dangerous to her mental health.

April 4: A better day today. The human was quiet and productive, providing treats and even sharing her dinner with us. Has she adapted to her confinement? Or is this merely a lull?

April 5: The human is now referring to her living room chair as the "command chair," and she spent 25 minutes today explaining to Spike that his "position is at the ops station" and pointing at the loveseat. She also berated me for "falling asleep at the conn!" I am relentlessly ignoring her and hoping her hallucinations pass quickly.

April 6: Not much to report today. The human did not exit the dwelling, but did open all of the windows and shout "the outside be inside!" far too loudly. I was able to nap in the breeze.

April 7: So many boxes have been delivered! But am I allowed to keep any?! No! The human keeps slicing them into uselessness and removing them from the domicile. The orange cat and I do not agree on much, but we concur on the outrageousness of this behavior.