It's been a while since my last post, because, believe it or not, I've been working like crazy. I know, I know: why is a professor working during the summer? Don't you all fly off to Greece or Italy or somewhere to sip fruity drinks and read long, heavy books? Hah! I work every damn summer, and I enjoy it, so there!
And, of course, the War between Me and the Invasive Plant Species continues apace.
Nevertheless, I did check in with the Bloggess's web site today (link to the right; she's so much funnier than I am that her blog should be called "Really, Seriously, Much Funnier Than Grading," but as she's not a teacher she probably doesn't know how funny or unfunny grading is, so that would be a bad title after all. Never mind.), and she has a really funny list of smarmy quotations with clever followups that made me giggle and put down the Middle English tome I was perusing.
Now, I don't want to plagiarize the Bloggess (All Hail, Jenny!), but it did occur to me that many of those smarmy quotations have appeared as facebook statuses, and that I hate reading smarmy facebook statuses almost as much as I hate the wisteria trying to kill my gardenias. And then, dear readers, I decided that I would make you a list of other things that annoy me on facebook. I encourage you to add to the list, not only because summer is a good time to complain about something that you didn't design, can't control and don't pay for, but because I need more damn comments on this blog.
Things That Annoy Me On Facebook (Other Than Timeline)
1. The Insufficiency of the like button goes awry. You know what I mean, right? Say a friend posts a sad story about someone who was bullied and tried to kill herself, but was unsuccessful. You want to be supportive because bullying is awful. But can you click like? If you do, will it mean that you like the fact that the suicide failed? That the bullies were caught? That there is a cool, moving article for you to read this morning? But if you don't click like, does it mean that you didn't appreciate the article? Are you an insensitive bully yourself, mayhap? So you have to wait to see if other people like or or not. Argh! What we need is an "I support people failing to be bullied into suicide" button. Or maybe just an "I support this article, even though I don't like everything it describes" button. This choice between like and not liking is not sufficient for the complexity of human existence. Or even facebook existence.
2. Song Lyrics as Statuses. First of all, your status is not a song unless you are in a musical. Second, you did not write that status; you just copied and pasted it, and I take off points for lack of originality. And third, you all keep picking songs I don't know and making me feel old and out of touch. Stop it.
3. LOL Cats links. The cats are cute, but I am owned by two cats, and I feel it's important that you all understand that cats do NOT speak in babytalk. Not even kittens speak in babytalk. And if they would deign to spell in English, they would spell better than you or me. Random Z's would not appear.
4. Hashtags in facebook statuses. Go back to twitter where you belong hashtags! You have no place in this realm.
5. Lack of an Edit Feature. Because everyone makes mistakes, but without an edit feature, I can't tell which of my friends can't tell the difference between their and there and which ones are just prone to typos, and this is interfering with my sense of superiority.
6. Constant, Relentless, Paranoid Warnings About Lack of Privacy. Nothing on the internet is private. Period. Assume everything you post can be read by your mother. Or worse yet, by my mother. And that she will repost it to all of your exes and your employer at first opportunity.
7. Birthday Wishes. First of all, don't make your damn birth date public on facebook. It's used too often as identifying information. Second, I want birthday cards. Real cards that require a person to stand in front of a big display for half an hour finding just the right Shoebox greeting to suit my sense of humor, then pay for a stamp and put it in the damn mail. These electronic greetings are a pitiful substitute and a symbol of the death of civilization.
8. Lines from Movies and TV Shows as Statuses. See #2 above.
9. Photos of Surgical Scars. Really, people? Do I have to actually tell you that posting photos of your pus-filled infected staples from where you stepped on glass last weekend is not proper facebook etiquette? And don't even get me started on parents who post photos of little Janey's first poo in the potty. Good gracious, where is Miss Manners when you need her?!
10. Most People Won't Repost This, But You'd Better Or You're Not a Decent Human Being, and You Probably Beat Puppies and Are Definitely Going to Hell messages. Because copying and pasting a damn facebook status is going to raise money for a cause? Not likely. Keep your guilt-inducing statuses to yourself. If your cause is good or the story is important, all you need to do is write something compelling, moving or witty, and it will spread across the internet. Bonus points for a cool image or two. If you have to threaten people to repost your message, you're doing something wrong.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Some Cute Shoes, Dammit.
A couple of days ago, I sent my beloved sister a photo of two new pairs of shoes I had just bought, and she told me that I had a disease. A shoe disease.
It is possible that she's right.
But I would like to point out that I don't have an expensive shoe disease. That is, I buy too many shoes, but I don't buy expensive shoes. In fact, when I found out that there were actually people in the world who spent more than $100 on a pair of shoes, that, in fact, some people spend five or ten times that amount on one single pair of shoes, I was appalled. I mean, do you know how many books I could buy for that?! Exactly.
So I buy fairly inexpensive shoes or moderately priced shoes at a deep discount. Shoes that cost less than $50 (sometimes, much less) are my kind of shoes. Of course, this does cause some embarrassment. Have you ever been to one of those markets where they sell shoes for a social or political cause? Either the shoes are made of recycled surfboards or tires, or each pair of shoes puts a village through school or helps bring fresh water to the desert...you know what I mean, right? If you're a concerned global citizen, it can be difficult to resist these shoes because not only do you get that little glow from doing good, but you get to wear the shoes around so that other concerned global citizens can give you the nod of recognition that boosts that little glow.
However, I have to admit that I never buy those shoes. First, most of them are not cute shoes. They are often weird, shapeless things that look like something I could sew myself (which I can't, of course). But even the cute ones cost more than $50. And therefore if I bought a pair, instead of feeling the little glow of satisfaction from fighting world hunger by buying shoes, I'd also feel the little spurt of nausea about spending too much money on shoes I don't even like.
Which leaves me with the glowing nausea. Ick. So I end up sneaking past those booths with the global citizen shoes, trying not to make eye contact with the earnest salespeople.
And I go buy the global citizen jewelry instead. But that's a topic for a future post.
Now, some among you are thinking, "Okay, I get it. You're one of those people who also won't buy the eco-friendly coffee just because it's five times the price of other coffee, right? Do you understand that your consumerism is destroying the planet?!" To which I reply, I'm not allowed to drink coffee anymore, and I recycle and drive a car that gets really good mileage, and I don't buy water in bottles, so lay the frak off, okay? I like cute shoes, dammit.
Now that I've gotten that out, here are ten randomly chosen pairs of my inexpensive shoes for you to enjoy and/or ridicule.
1. Shoes that make me feel like I have wookie feet:
2. The closest I get to those ugly flipflops that I wish would go out of fashion:
3. Funky flower shoes that make me think of the 1970s, except not really:
4. Sandal boots that are inappropriate for both hot and cold weather:
5. You would think that sage green shoes wouldn't go with anything, but then you find out that they go with everything:
6. Comfy shoes that make me wiggle my toes in joy:
7. Rainbow shoes that I've almost worn out:
8. Shoes with puffy bow-things that make me think of 1950s slippers, except not:
9. Another almost flipflops, but much cuter than those ugly rainbow things and not as cheap-looking as the weird sparkly ones:
10. Oh, and taupe wedges! Taupe, which is an awesome color for shoes, unlike nude which looks creepy:
It is possible that she's right.
But I would like to point out that I don't have an expensive shoe disease. That is, I buy too many shoes, but I don't buy expensive shoes. In fact, when I found out that there were actually people in the world who spent more than $100 on a pair of shoes, that, in fact, some people spend five or ten times that amount on one single pair of shoes, I was appalled. I mean, do you know how many books I could buy for that?! Exactly.
So I buy fairly inexpensive shoes or moderately priced shoes at a deep discount. Shoes that cost less than $50 (sometimes, much less) are my kind of shoes. Of course, this does cause some embarrassment. Have you ever been to one of those markets where they sell shoes for a social or political cause? Either the shoes are made of recycled surfboards or tires, or each pair of shoes puts a village through school or helps bring fresh water to the desert...you know what I mean, right? If you're a concerned global citizen, it can be difficult to resist these shoes because not only do you get that little glow from doing good, but you get to wear the shoes around so that other concerned global citizens can give you the nod of recognition that boosts that little glow.
However, I have to admit that I never buy those shoes. First, most of them are not cute shoes. They are often weird, shapeless things that look like something I could sew myself (which I can't, of course). But even the cute ones cost more than $50. And therefore if I bought a pair, instead of feeling the little glow of satisfaction from fighting world hunger by buying shoes, I'd also feel the little spurt of nausea about spending too much money on shoes I don't even like.
Which leaves me with the glowing nausea. Ick. So I end up sneaking past those booths with the global citizen shoes, trying not to make eye contact with the earnest salespeople.
And I go buy the global citizen jewelry instead. But that's a topic for a future post.
Now, some among you are thinking, "Okay, I get it. You're one of those people who also won't buy the eco-friendly coffee just because it's five times the price of other coffee, right? Do you understand that your consumerism is destroying the planet?!" To which I reply, I'm not allowed to drink coffee anymore, and I recycle and drive a car that gets really good mileage, and I don't buy water in bottles, so lay the frak off, okay? I like cute shoes, dammit.
Now that I've gotten that out, here are ten randomly chosen pairs of my inexpensive shoes for you to enjoy and/or ridicule.
1. Shoes that make me feel like I have wookie feet:
2. The closest I get to those ugly flipflops that I wish would go out of fashion:
3. Funky flower shoes that make me think of the 1970s, except not really:
4. Sandal boots that are inappropriate for both hot and cold weather:
5. You would think that sage green shoes wouldn't go with anything, but then you find out that they go with everything:
7. Rainbow shoes that I've almost worn out:
8. Shoes with puffy bow-things that make me think of 1950s slippers, except not:
9. Another almost flipflops, but much cuter than those ugly rainbow things and not as cheap-looking as the weird sparkly ones:
10. Oh, and taupe wedges! Taupe, which is an awesome color for shoes, unlike nude which looks creepy:
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Real Conversation with Mom: The Rain
Mom: "It's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way."
Me: "And what would you know about that, Mom?"
Mom: "I'm perfect. You should know this already."
Me: "Perfect. You just called the rain an asshole."
Mom: "It's raining harder whenever we get out of the car. That's an asshole."
Me: "Mom, the rain doesn't even have an ass."
Mom: "Yes, it does. It has a bubbly ass."
Me: "A bubbly ass. Really?"
Mom: "Look at it! Bubbly ass!"
Me: "You are a very odd woman."
Mom: "And you are just like the rain."
Me: "?!"
Mom: "Tee-hee, tee-hee! That was a good one."
Me: "If you say so."
Mom: "Rain! Rainy daughter!"
Me: "Mom..."
Mom: "Rainy daughter!"
Me: "And what would you know about that, Mom?"
Mom: "I'm perfect. You should know this already."
Me: "Perfect. You just called the rain an asshole."
Mom: "It's raining harder whenever we get out of the car. That's an asshole."
Me: "Mom, the rain doesn't even have an ass."
Mom: "Yes, it does. It has a bubbly ass."
Me: "A bubbly ass. Really?"
Mom: "Look at it! Bubbly ass!"
Me: "You are a very odd woman."
Mom: "And you are just like the rain."
Me: "?!"
Mom: "Tee-hee, tee-hee! That was a good one."
Me: "If you say so."
Mom: "Rain! Rainy daughter!"
Me: "Mom..."
Mom: "Rainy daughter!"
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Intermission
This blog will take a brief intermission while I do some damn work for a change. Feel free to go to the lobby for overpriced snacks and beverages. Here's cute kitten while you await my return.
Please deposit trash in the appropriate receptacles before returning to the blog. Thank you.
Please deposit trash in the appropriate receptacles before returning to the blog. Thank you.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Baby-Proofing the Living room
My friend Kim, who, I continue to remind you, dear readers, is entirely responsible for the existence of this blog, is bringing her baby over tonight to play with the cats. Since I am a responsible and loving friend, and since I do not want to be sued, I am trying to babyproof my living room.
It's harder than it looks.
First of all, I don't own any of those little plastic thingies that you put into outlets to protect children from electrocuting themselves, so I've been trying to think of an alternative. I went around pasting large squares of construction paper over the outlets this morning. And what is with this cheap masking tape that shreds with a fingernail? How can it shred so easily, but then stick all over my fingers so that I have to yell and jump up and down and curse repeatedly to get it off? I don't remember masking tape behaving that way when I was a kid.
Anyway, I was very proud of myself for getting all of the bright construction paper plastered crookedly over the outlets, and just as I sat down to sip a tall glass of iced tea, the cats, specifically Spike, proceeded to walk around the living room and tear every single piece of construction paper off of the wall.
WTF, Spike?! That took me an hour! And now I have to spend another hour getting masking tape off of his paws while he cries pitifully.
Obviously, this babyproofing thing is not for amateurs.
It's harder than it looks.
First of all, I don't own any of those little plastic thingies that you put into outlets to protect children from electrocuting themselves, so I've been trying to think of an alternative. I went around pasting large squares of construction paper over the outlets this morning. And what is with this cheap masking tape that shreds with a fingernail? How can it shred so easily, but then stick all over my fingers so that I have to yell and jump up and down and curse repeatedly to get it off? I don't remember masking tape behaving that way when I was a kid.
Anyway, I was very proud of myself for getting all of the bright construction paper plastered crookedly over the outlets, and just as I sat down to sip a tall glass of iced tea, the cats, specifically Spike, proceeded to walk around the living room and tear every single piece of construction paper off of the wall.
WTF, Spike?! That took me an hour! And now I have to spend another hour getting masking tape off of his paws while he cries pitifully.
Obviously, this babyproofing thing is not for amateurs.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Things I Can Cook Pretty Well or Better
Yesterday, I had one of those awesome phone calls that don't make any sense to anyone else because they don't seem to be about anything. Do you know what I mean? Does the texting generation even have those calls? You don't really have anything to say, but you wanted to hear the other person's voice, so you talk about all sorts of nonsensical things and end up feeling pretty ebullient afterward.
Yes, I said ebullient. I aced my damn SATs, dudes. Every once in a while I'm gonna hit you with one of those fancy words. You'll just have to deal.
Anyway, this conversation somehow wound its way around to meal preparation, something that was not tested on the SATs, and which, therefore, I have failed to master. My telephonic buddy, however, kept coming up with things that I do cook pretty well, and she encouraged me to make a list to boost my culinary confidence.
Which just goes to show that she's been watching daytime talk shows or joined some kind of group therapy or something because she knows darned well that lack of confidence has never been my problem. Nevertheless, this list is for her.
1. Grilled cheese sandwiches. Skillet, grill, even the frakkin iron skillet, I am the queen of the grilled cheese sandwich! They are awesome, and I will make you one any time you like, as long as you don't start giving me a lecture about how you really shouldn't eat it because it's so bad for you. I put carrot sticks on the paper plate, so stop your whining and eat up!
2. Ginger-Soy Sauce Brussel Sprouts. You will love these, I guarantee it. Yes, even if you hate brussel sprouts. My former dean's wife claimed to hate them, but she ate two damn servings of mine which proves that either they are as awesome as I think they are or southern ladies will seriously do anything to be polite. Hmm...
3. Cornbread. And I don't mean from one of those little boxes, either. White cornmeal and just a touch of very sharp cheddar cheese.
4. Guacamole. Thanks to my sister's recipe. It's the only party food I can make, so don't talk to me about seven-layer dips or homemade hummus. It's guacamole and/or a bottle of wine.
5. Cucumber Salad. Sometimes I get a bit of blood in it, but it's worth the occasional maiming.
6. Chocolate Cheesecake. The most elaborate thing I make. I knew that I had become a semi-responsible citizen when I bought my own springform pan and a morter and pestle for grinding up the oreo crumbs.
7. Flavored Scrambled Eggs. Mushrooms? Peppers? Onions? Cheese? I can slice and dice them into a fluffy confection that cannot, unfortunately, be called an omelet even with an omelet pan. But it will taste good.
8. Squash Soup. I like to make soup because no one can tell if you screw up the recipe. Usually. But squash soup with red peppers is amazing. You can use sweet potatoes too. The secret is to nuke the squash in the microwave by poking holes in it like you would to bake a potato. In a microwave. The other secret is not to try to peel the squash as soon as you pull it out of the microwave, as second degree burns are painful and leave scars.
9. Gazpacho. Tomatoes and other veggies put in a blender. You don't even have to heat anything up. That's the kind of recipe I can get behind.
10. Cat Treats. Open can or shake bag. Dump in bowl. You say it's not really cooking? Well, maybe not, but no one, and I repeat no one is as appreciative of my cooking as the cats, and certainly no one else is willing to claw me half to death if a meal is fifteen minutes late. And they've never made fun of me over that broiled cake, either.
Yes, I said ebullient. I aced my damn SATs, dudes. Every once in a while I'm gonna hit you with one of those fancy words. You'll just have to deal.
Anyway, this conversation somehow wound its way around to meal preparation, something that was not tested on the SATs, and which, therefore, I have failed to master. My telephonic buddy, however, kept coming up with things that I do cook pretty well, and she encouraged me to make a list to boost my culinary confidence.
Which just goes to show that she's been watching daytime talk shows or joined some kind of group therapy or something because she knows darned well that lack of confidence has never been my problem. Nevertheless, this list is for her.
Things I Can Actually Cook Pretty Well or Better
1. Grilled cheese sandwiches. Skillet, grill, even the frakkin iron skillet, I am the queen of the grilled cheese sandwich! They are awesome, and I will make you one any time you like, as long as you don't start giving me a lecture about how you really shouldn't eat it because it's so bad for you. I put carrot sticks on the paper plate, so stop your whining and eat up!
2. Ginger-Soy Sauce Brussel Sprouts. You will love these, I guarantee it. Yes, even if you hate brussel sprouts. My former dean's wife claimed to hate them, but she ate two damn servings of mine which proves that either they are as awesome as I think they are or southern ladies will seriously do anything to be polite. Hmm...
3. Cornbread. And I don't mean from one of those little boxes, either. White cornmeal and just a touch of very sharp cheddar cheese.
4. Guacamole. Thanks to my sister's recipe. It's the only party food I can make, so don't talk to me about seven-layer dips or homemade hummus. It's guacamole and/or a bottle of wine.
5. Cucumber Salad. Sometimes I get a bit of blood in it, but it's worth the occasional maiming.
6. Chocolate Cheesecake. The most elaborate thing I make. I knew that I had become a semi-responsible citizen when I bought my own springform pan and a morter and pestle for grinding up the oreo crumbs.
7. Flavored Scrambled Eggs. Mushrooms? Peppers? Onions? Cheese? I can slice and dice them into a fluffy confection that cannot, unfortunately, be called an omelet even with an omelet pan. But it will taste good.
8. Squash Soup. I like to make soup because no one can tell if you screw up the recipe. Usually. But squash soup with red peppers is amazing. You can use sweet potatoes too. The secret is to nuke the squash in the microwave by poking holes in it like you would to bake a potato. In a microwave. The other secret is not to try to peel the squash as soon as you pull it out of the microwave, as second degree burns are painful and leave scars.
9. Gazpacho. Tomatoes and other veggies put in a blender. You don't even have to heat anything up. That's the kind of recipe I can get behind.
10. Cat Treats. Open can or shake bag. Dump in bowl. You say it's not really cooking? Well, maybe not, but no one, and I repeat no one is as appreciative of my cooking as the cats, and certainly no one else is willing to claw me half to death if a meal is fifteen minutes late. And they've never made fun of me over that broiled cake, either.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Mick Climbs the Shoe
Yes, it's another blog entry about shoes. Well, a shoe. A comfortable, brightly colored shoe. Plus, there's a kitten. Shoe(s) and a kitten! I don't see what more I could offer you, readers of mine. Enjoy.
Wait, almost there...ugh, this really tastes bad!
Hey, what's this? Can I eat it? Can I kill it? Can I climb it and fall off adorably?!
It smells funny.
It tastes weird. Icky.
I think I can climb it.
Wait, almost there...ugh, this really tastes bad!
Steady, steady!
That was tough work. Time to go to sleep. This spot will do.
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