Well, it has been a long, long time, precious readers, and I
know I don’t have any followers left, but today is a miserable rainy day, and I
decided, why not update the blog? This
will shock and surprise people. I like shocking
and surprising people.
I thought about posting about my purchase of a Device of
Spite, and I thought about posting about my inability to stop purchasing
lavender scented hair products, but then I thought: oh, the hell with it, let’s
tell people how to stop acting on the internet.
Because they are so likely to listen, that’s why.
So, in a follow up to a list of made years ago, here is an
updated list of things I want everyone to stop doing on the facebook. I know that the facebook is now for old
people, and I should be talking about tweeting or pinterests or snapchatting or
insta-whatever, but while I have accounts on some of these, I never check
them. If these things apply to them,
though, be sure to adapt my advice accordingly.
Things I Want People to Stop Doing on Facebook (at Least
Where I Can See Them)
1.
“Most people won’t repost this, but…”.
Stop. Just stop it. Do you want me to hate you? Do you want everyone to hate you even my
cats? Unless you answered “yes,” then
stop this madness right now.
2.
Quoting compliments from one’s students. Obviously, this is aimed at my fellow
academics, which is a bunch of you.
Look, I know it’s awesome to get thank you notes and appreciative
comments because we spend so much time getting, well, not that. I myself have a cork board in my office on
which I collect thank you cards and notes from my students. But it is behind my office door, not on my
facebook feed. Do you really think that
when someone sits down and writes you a nice compliment, they expect you to
copy that shit and post it on social media?
Don't you understand that you are turning an act of personal appreciation
into blatant self-congratulatory narcissism?
Let me put it this way: I’m sure lots of people send heartfelt notes of
gratitude to Wonder Woman, but I’m damned sure she doesn’t scan them onto her
insta-whatever account in a simultaneous act of self-praise and envy-inducing
side-eye at Batman, right? Right. Stop it.
3.
Photos of your child’s first poo in the
potty. If you post this on facebook, you
are a terrible person, and I hope lice infest your toenails.
4.
Photos of open wounds, infected skin, and
unhealed surgery sites. Most of your
friends are not medical doctors or nurses and are not trained to diagnose you
on the internet. Plus, that’s just
gross.
5.
A list of everything you accomplished today,
including how long it took you to do it, how exhausted you are, and what
self-care regimen you are about to undergo.
Look, it’s nice that you baked 200 cookies, sent your latest manuscript
to the editor, and knitted six car covers, but I’m celebrating the fact that I
ran the dishwasher this morning without forgetting that glass on my coffee
table, and you don’t see me begging for praise from the internets, do you? I mean, be as heroically over-accomplished as
you want, but have a little dignity.
Damn.
6.
Anti-vax propaganda. Not everyone who posts this is stupid. Some are misinformed. Some are evil. Expect to be aggressively informed, by me, if
you post this stupid and dangerous bullshit where I can see it.
7. Squirrels.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND SOMEDAY I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE.
