"These just don't look edible to me, even if they were real."
"Wait, I get it! The horizontal stripes mean you clear a horizontal line! How do I get horizontal lines?"
"What is a 'jelly' anyway? Is it like a gummy worm? I hate gummy worms."
"I wonder if they would taste like their colors: purple is grape, etc? You want me to sign what? Okay. So how do you think these would taste? If they were real, I mean."
"This is pretty addicting, actually. But the music is annoying."
"Okay, what is with Level 70? There is no way to clear this level. Hey, [innocent colleague / victim], have you tried Level 70? Level 70 of what? Never mind."
"Level 70 is evil. I will look up hints on the google before class. Hmmm..."
"Hi! Sure, yes, I can lend you that book. Did you know that if you don't like your board, you can exit from the game without losing a life? You just said 'yes,' but you actually have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Just take your book and go."
"The google is no help. There is no way out of Level 70."
[shouting] "That's it! I am not playing any damn game in which chocolate is the enemy! That's just sick!"
[one hour later] "Oh, I have three more lives! Level 70, here I come..."
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Real Conversations with Mom: Respectability
Mom: "I want you to steal that guy's hat for me."
Me: "You're always encouraging me to commit crime. I can't do that."
Mom: "Why not?"
Me: "Because I'm a respectable citizen."
Mom: "Well, I'm not, and I want that hat!"
Me: "Thief!"
Mom: "You steal pens."
Me: "I do not! I've only taken a pen by accident."
Mom: "Accident? Not me. I look at the pen, and if it's a nice pen, then I take it."
Me: "Wait. You don't do this on accident? You deliberately steal people's pens?!"
Mom: "Only if they are nice. But sometimes I don't have to. I just say, 'Oh, that is a nice pen!' and people give them to me."
Me: "So you are sneaky and a thief."
Mom: "No, I am cute, so people give me things. Deal with it."
Me: "You're always encouraging me to commit crime. I can't do that."
Mom: "Why not?"
Me: "Because I'm a respectable citizen."
Mom: "Well, I'm not, and I want that hat!"
Me: "Thief!"
Mom: "You steal pens."
Me: "I do not! I've only taken a pen by accident."
Mom: "Accident? Not me. I look at the pen, and if it's a nice pen, then I take it."
Me: "Wait. You don't do this on accident? You deliberately steal people's pens?!"
Mom: "Only if they are nice. But sometimes I don't have to. I just say, 'Oh, that is a nice pen!' and people give them to me."
Me: "So you are sneaky and a thief."
Mom: "No, I am cute, so people give me things. Deal with it."
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Real Conversations with Mom: At the Local Diner
Mom to Waitress: "Oh, you poor sweet baby! Mice got into your closet and chewed holes in your jeans!"
Me: <cringe and attempt to activate cloaking device>
Mom <not using her inside voice>: "You know, I look better in my t-shirt than she does."
Me: "Mom! That's rude!"
Mom: "It's true, though."
Me: "Why do you think you look better in that shirt than she does?"
Mom: "Because I have big boobs."
Me: ?!
Waitress: "That's okay, she's still my favorite."
Me: "I do not understand."
Mom: "What's to understand? I'm wonderful. And I have big boobs."
Me: <cringe and attempt to activate cloaking device>
Mom <not using her inside voice>: "You know, I look better in my t-shirt than she does."
Me: "Mom! That's rude!"
Mom: "It's true, though."
Me: "Why do you think you look better in that shirt than she does?"
Mom: "Because I have big boobs."
Me: ?!
Waitress: "That's okay, she's still my favorite."
Me: "I do not understand."
Mom: "What's to understand? I'm wonderful. And I have big boobs."
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