Tuesday, November 27, 2012

A Secret Plan to Use a Purple Plush Ovary to Get Out of Meetings

Alas, gentle readers, I am somewhat weary this evening.  I had too many meetings.  Meetings upon meetings.

And now, instead of having some kind of alcoholic beverage and a hot bath, I had a stimulating cup of tea, which means that I am still achingly tired but completely unable to fall asleep.  So I turned to the google, my sleepless companion, and did a search for unusual gift ideas because, if you haven't noticed, 'tis the frakking season.

Here is what I found:  <http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/reproductive-plush-organs>.  Yes, someone has designed and is selling plush toys shaped like reproductive organs.

Naturally, I had to show them to Mom, and we got into a friendly argument about which is cuter, the plush ovary or the plush testicle.  And then we got into an unfriendly argument about me waking her up from a dead sleep to show her plush toys shaped like reproductive organs.

We've agreed that I won't do that again, and she will not beat me to death with her pink cane.

Nevertheless, I am inspired by these adorable stuffed, um, toys, which are clearly meant to assist parents or teachers when introducing the concept of human reproduction to three-year olds.  And I'll bet it works, too.  Which would you rather enjoy?  Another Afterschool Special filmed in the nineteen seventies or a plush mammary that you can squeeze without embarrassment?  Not much of a contest, is it?

Anyway, I'm thinking about buying a set of them for Christmas and taking them to my next meeting.  Then, when someone says something with which I disagree, I can wave a little green prostate in the air and say, "Wait!  I was distracted by the smile on this little green prostate.  Could you repeat that?"  And, of course, no one will be able to repeat anything when someone is waving a plush green prostate in the air, and when everyone turns to look at it, I will bean someone in the face with the purple ovary and say, "Oh no!  I hate it when my ovary starts attacking people!  I move that we declare the purple ovary out of order!" 

And then it will be stuffed testicles flying here and there and everywhere, and we will have to adjourn for soothing drinks, and, most importantly, no one will ever ask me to go to another meeting again.


Thursday, November 22, 2012

Being Thankful All Month Long

One of my facebook friends suggested that I collect my status updates from the month of November into a blog post, and since that means a blog post that doesn't require that I actually think of something new to write, well, I was all over that one immediately.

Naturally, I wish to note that I am, in fact, thankful for my family, my friends, my job, my health, the health of my family and my friends and my cats, and the cease-fire in the Middle East and fluffy bunnies, etc, etc.  But then again, so is everyone else, and sincerity is all well and good, but there is enough triteness in the world already.

My Status Updates from November, 2012:

November 9th: "So, many of my facebook friends are doing that thing where they identify something to be thankful for each day in November. I shall slavishly imitate them by naming things to be thankful for that people normally overlook. Today: aglets. You know, those plastic things on the tips of shoelaces? There is just no way I could tie shoes without them.

10th: Today I am thankful for opposable thumbs. I would be a far less effective servant for the cats without them.

11th: Today I am thankful for duct tape. Also, that there is a brand of duct tape called "duck tape," giving us more than one correct orthographical option.

12th: Today, I am thankful that I do not have to sew on my own sleeves.

13th: Today, I am thankful for lampshades.

14th: Today I am thankful for the anomalous properties of water.

15th: Today I am thankful to be bipedal, as I suspect that I would be exponentially less graceful had I more limbs to contend with.

16th: Today, I am thankful for chocolate. And red wine. And chocolate together with red wine.

17th: Today, I am thankful for the tea bag. While loose tea is delightful, my office would be an appalling mess if I had to depend on it. Also, it has offered an excellent illustration to certain parties of the dangers of randomly verbing nouns.

18th: Today I am thankful for people who do not talk about themselves in the third person. Much.

19th: Today I am thankful for the Chicago Cubs. Somebody has to be.

20th: Today I am thankful for satire, without which I would be quite intolerable.

21st:  Today I am thankful for the invention of zero, as I lack the manual dexterity to work an abacus.

22nd: And today I am thankful for plants; thanks for all the oxygen, dudes! And Happy Thanksgiving to everyone else!"

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Thing About Brining...

Me:  So to brine a turkey, you soak it for twelve hours in salt water?

Mom:  Yes, that's right.

Me:  Why?

Mom:  Because it makes it moist and delicious!

Me:  Hmmm...

Mom:  I don't know what you're thinking, but I know it's something stupid.

Me:  No, it's not!

Mom:  Yes, it is.  Go ahead:  what are you thinking?

Me:  I'm wondering if this is why sharks eat surfers. 

Mom:  There is something seriously wrong with you.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Real Conversations with Mom: Football and Cute Hats

Mom: "Listen.  Are you listening?  What are you doing?"

Me:  "Well, I'm..."

Mom:  "I don't care.  Stop it, and listen.  If you see Mike tomorrow, you tell him that I'm not mad at him about the game."

Me: "I'm sure that's his top concern right now:  whether or not my mom is mad at him."

Mom:  "Now, don't you start!  My Mike sounded really depressed at the end of that football game, and he is blaming himself.  He needs a nice message from me."

Me:  "And your nice message is that you're not mad at him?"

Mom:  "Yes.  That will make him feel better.  Also, tell him how much I like his cute hat."

Me:  "His what?"

Mom:  "His cute hat that he wears in the sun.  Tell him that it makes him look sexy...ooohhh, I like that hat!"

Me:  "Mom, Mike is a former marine.  I do not think praising his cute hat is going to make him feel better about a loss."

Mom:  "That's because you don't know nothin' about football!"